The Cello: Kindness through Music

music for kindness

Dr. Robert Bolding is a man who has always found comfort and joy from music. These days Dr. Bolding can find companionship, love, and joy at an unlikely time in his life thanks to friends and family who surround Dr. Bolding as he journeys through his battle with Glioblastoma multiforme (GBM). Photojournalist, Karen Pulfer Focht, has been documenting his journey at the request of his family. This story holds so many different levels of kindness, from the friendships and relationships to the joy that music brings Dr. Bolding.

Since his diagnosis, Bob has been surrounded by kindness and love by family and friends. The photos show a quiet Friday night for Bob. Antoinette Rodriguez, a family friend, is playing Bob’s favorite classical tunes as he drifts in and out of a slumber in his hospital room. Shortly before Dr. Bolding’s diagnosis he desired to hold a number of concerts in his home with classical music. He always had a fondness for music. He even knocked down a wall in his home to create a music room. Antoinette also played the cello at Bob’s daughter Kathy’s wedding. Antoinette has since visited Bob at the Memphis VA Medical Center for these concerts quite a few time.

Music can be very beneficial to patients in places like nursing homes, hospice, intensive care and retirement homes.

“[E]verytime I come to see Bob, he is surrounded by love and light and a lifetime of people who know and love him.” says Karen Pulfer Focht in her blog documenting Bob’s journey.

This video is short and simple but conveys the serenity and love encountered by Dr. Bolding and the kindness that is shown to him.

To find out more about Hospice care, visit the National Association for Home Care & Hospice. Information on how you can support research and care for Brain Tumors can also be found on the National Brain Tumor Society website.

 

BOUQUETS OF HOPE – SPREADING KINDNESS AND LOVE

Bouquets of Hope

Bouquets of Hope, breathes new life into gently use floral bouquets by turning them into smaller arrangements that are then delivered to patients in hospitals, nursing homes, and retirement communities in the Memphis area.

Catholic Charities of West Tennessee and Bishop Martin Holley, pictured in third photo,  teamed up to bring joy and love to the elderly with bouquets of flowers that had been re-purposed from flowers from Bishop Martin Holley’s installation as Bishop of Memphis.

Bouquets of Hope also serves as a job training and employment opportunity for clients from Immigration Services and St. Sebastian Veterans Services. Volunteers have the opportunity to work with top floral designers in the Memphis area while also learning job skills that will last a lifetime.

A study done in 2001 by Rutgers University found that flowers helped to ease depression, improve social interaction, and enhance memory in those adults over the age of 55.

A volunteer delivering flowers to a nursing home tells one resident, “It’s called a bouquet of hope today and its to make you smile, and I’m not allowed to leave until you give me a smile.”

We love this video that shares the kindness and love that is spread by this ministry.

Bouquets of Hope is a volunteer-driven opportunity. You can find out more about this ministry and ways you could help by contacting Christine at [email protected] or (901) 722-4759.

Photos taken by Karen Pulfer Focht

Tire Change: A 2015 Student Film Contest Winner

Opportunities for acts of kindness are all around us.  Here, students from Three Rivers Community College imagined that opportunity through a simple tire change.  The driver sees a stranded motorist and wrestles with himself as to whether or not he should help a stranger.  He ultimately does the right thing.

Created by: Tim Mulkern, Bart Crosbie and Michael Mulkern for the 2015 Envision Kindness Southeastern Connecticut Student Film Contest. Submitted by Three Rivers Community College (CT). All rights reserved by creators.

Pledge to help

SECOND ANNUAL EASTERN CT WALK AGAINST HUNGER

A remarkable moment occurred during the pledge of allegiance before the fundraising walk began. Kids learn from a very young age about supporting important causes, feeding the hungry and helping others.  As they pledge allegiance to the United States, they are also pledging to keep our country strong through kindness and volunteerism.

Over 350 walkers on almost 50 teams participated in this fundraising walk to support the United Way/Gemma Moran food pantry in New London, CT. Together they raised over $25,000 to support the food pantry.

Enthusiasm and smiles are the most common thing that I see in kind people while they volunteer! It is amazing how happy they are, just from the simple act of giving!

Some walkers at the Walk against hunger dressed for the occasion!

For more information, please see below: http://www.uwsect.org/walk

 

Paying it Forward

One morning, en route to the office on an otherwise regular Monday, I found myself craving coffee. This was unusual because usually morning-me is running on enthusiasm and copious amounts of Sunday night sleep, for which my coffee fueled colleagues have applauded me. But on that particular day, the prolonged highway commute did me in. Dunkin Donuts, better known as the white jacket watering hole across from the hospital, was particularly busy that morning but my craving urged me to the back of the drive-thru line.  Once I finally got to the first window I was told that my large iced coffee had already been paid for by the driver in front of me. Surprised by this mysterious act of kindness I tried to see if I recognized the car or the skewed reflection of a face in the driver’s rear view mirror. Neither could be confirmed and so I forced a smile while I waited for my straw. The young woman behind the Dunkin Donuts window explained that the person in front of me was paying it forward. She then leaned closer and asked, “So do you want to pay for the person behind you?” A bit confused but without questioning her I agreed to this with, “Sure, if everyone else is doing it. I mean, why not?” Eleven dollars and seven minutes later I was at work, telling coworkers of my surprising occurrence.

In terms of drive-thru etiquette, ‘Paying it Forward’ encompasses the concept that someone, somewhere, starts his (or her) day off on the right side of the bed, goes to a drive-thru, like a local Dunkin Donuts or coffee shop, orders something off the menu and then insists upon paying for the food and/or drink of the person in the car or line behind him/her, on top of paying for his (or her) own order. The amount of the order obviously varies in price but the knowledge of the amount is only obtained by asking the cashier how much BOTH orders will cost together. The do-gooder then exits the premises and when the other person is told that her food has been paid for by the stranger who was in front of her, the ball is then in her court. Thus the chain begins and the hope is that the person to follow in line is more likely to be inspired, if not guilted, into participating in the act with the incentive that someone, somewhere, will pass on the favor. A little give for a little take.

In fact, I found myself participating in said act back when I was in high school in order to be noticed by a couple of seniors in the car behind me. And by buying their lattes, I not only gained their acknowledgment but was given praise and eventually higher social standing in the student ranks. So I learned that to be treated well meant treating others (well). Simple enough. And yes, this instance of course was more for self-gain but what are the real differences from that and the Dunkin Donuts drive thru in a close knit community?

In the quaint land of suburbia, paying for someone else’s cappuccino and hash browns may not be so much an act of charity as it is a fun thing to do. Let’s examine! Like children on the playground being inducted into a secret club, exclusivity is almost always coveted. After all, what’s five dollars between neighbors? Or, in the case of my first high school instance, what’s three dollars between a sophomore using her mom’s credit card and two attractive seniors on the soccer team? Furthermore, what can really be said of the person who starts the chain reaction? And what can be said of the person who breaks it? First, you must realize this is just one person’s observation and it can be argued that the concept of ‘Paying it Forward’ does not actually contribute to anything/one save for the raising up of community moral. It can also be argued that this concept is a kindness within its own financial means, after all, not all of us can afford to buy breakfast for the family of four in the minivan behind us. But is that really the point?

Food for thought:

Essayist and novelist Ralph Waldo Emerson discusses ‘deed-for-deed, cent-for-cent’ kindness in his essay Compensation, basing his theology on the Christian teachings of charity. Basically expanding on the concept that in order to receive kindness one must first be kind. He touches on the laws of nature explaining that, “Certain compensation balances every gift and every defect.” Compensation, in the case of ‘Paying it Forward’, would be the act itself and participation in the chain. So we must discern the gift from the defect. Sure, the person in front of you paid for your iced coffee but did she start the ball rolling? There’s no way to know who started the chain, unless of course you ask, but why not just do your part in this balancing act by paying for the person behind you and then starting the chain reaction over again at some other drive-thru, somewhere else, at some other point in your life? That’s perhaps the real gift: inspiration. And even though the person who broke the chain may have a good excuse for not being able to pay for the eleven dollar order that follows, s/he isn’t the defect. In reality, defect comes when you find yourself in the throes of the game and you play along but never think to start it over again unless you find yourself once again involved. Charitable acts, though applauded these days, are still taken with a grain of salt. Take my latest reaction as an example- I was taken aback and somewhat suspicious. Looking back on that recent occurrence makes me realize how jaded I’ve become now, especially in retrospect to how financially dependent I was as a teenager. But third time’s a charm and I think I’ll find a rainy day to do my part and get the ball rolling again. In the mean time we must reflect on what these small instances do for the morale of the community.

As the cyber age advances we see these acts of kindness being carried out in a variety of ways. Programs like Youtube, Instagram and Twitter, allow us to share our photos, stories, and kind acts with the world- big and small, near and far, expensive and humble- accessible and all universally understood. While a select few choose to write and discuss these good deeds in length, most of us recognize the concept of kindness when confronted with it at the drive-thru. In the last two decades, America has become more case sensitive with issues like self-image and societal expectations due to the changes in our policies and acceptance within our social norms. Take same-sex marriage for example. If someone who is against gay marriage found herself in the midst of the ‘Paying if Forward’ act, she wouldn’t know if the person behind her was gay or not, she would have to make her decision to participate solely on how much she could afford and how good of a mood she’s in. In order to safeguard our youth from self-destructive habits like cyber bullying or racial bigotry everyone should be encouraged to pay it forward in some small way so as to encourage inspiration and kindness.  This generation’s tolerance to acts of violence, natural disaster, foreign and domestic, is tragically high so why not demonstrate kindness? Why not make this next generation of do-gooders think we are a community/society/race of individuals worth being kind to?

Originally Submitted September 17, 2014

Image credit http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/05/25/60-selfless-ways-to-pay-it-forward/

Legacy

Kindness can be about just spending time with someone.  In this image, Kassow and Inger Marie talk about time, memory and family. That day, he read to Inger a letter from a distant niece from Wisconsin, where part of her family from Denmark moved many years ago. This was the first time Inger had contact with that part of the family since they left!

Thanksgiving Drive in Connecticut

Christopher is 9 years old and one of several children help out at a 2014 Thanksgiving Food Drive to support the Connecticut Food Bank an Gemma Moran Food Pantry. This is his fourth year doing so and has been making announcements about the Food Drive every Sunday to let people know of the need.  With other boys and girls from the neighborhood, the Food Drive is a great community partnership started 7 years ago by Fountain-Timmons Realty and Tri-Town Foods, and has grown to include the Niantic Rotary, a local car (mustang) club, and radio station 98.7 FM. At this drive, adults, teens, and children collected over 100 turkeys, 7500 pounds of food, $14,000, and more than 2,000 jars of peanut butter! Wow. The slogan on their shirts? Hunger is Curable.

Does Beauty Make Us Kinder?

Even though I have never met you, I know something very basic about you.

It is quite likely that you have had several experiences of beauty during your life. You have looked at a movie or a stunning landscape or the starry sky; you have listened to a song, you have watched a painting or a sculpture or a building, and you have perceived these as beautiful. The experience was highly satisfying.

So far my guess was pretty easy. Beauty is a “human universal”, people in all cultures have had experiences of it, even though aesthetic criteria vary widely from culture to culture. But my  interests is in what comes in the same package with this experience: because while you were having it, I surmise, you also thought: how good it would be if so and so (mate, son or daughter, parent, friend) could be here with me to enjoy what I am enjoying. How good it would be if he or she could participate in my experience. In other words, you wanted to share.

Beauty is for sharing. We have a deep need of enjoying beauty with another or several other human beings, because it in some way this validates it, makes it more intense, stronger and more significant. Sharing makes beauty more beautiful.

In this experience, we are likely to feel closer and more intimate with the person who partakes of it with us. We are together in a very special and unique space.

Which brings me to the subject of kindness. By kindness I do not mean only social courtesy, but a composite of several factors.  In my book The Power of Kindness I have described eighteen components: sincerity, forgiveness, warmth, sense of belonging, contact, trust, empathy, attention, humility, patience, generosity, respect, flexibility, loyalty, memory, gratefulness, service, joy.  Kindness, in its many aspects, has been shown to affect us deeply, both when we are recipient of it and when we feel it and express it to other human beings. Studies show that some aspects of kindness, such as empathy, are deeply ingrained in the functioning of the human brain, and that the homo homini lupus philosophy – the traditional view that human beings are at war with each other and act only out of selfish motives, is false or at least largely imprecise and incomplete. We also know that altruistic and caring behaviors are widely present in many animal species, especially in such forms as a sense of fairness, empathy, mutual help, and warmth.

Kind people live longer and have better health; they are more succesful in their business, need less psychotherapy, are often fitter, and smoke less. Above all, kindness is an end in itself: it is experienced as valuable, independently of any ulterior benefits it may offer. In recent years more and more studies have shown that feelings and behaviors involved with kindness and care are not just socially learned coping patterns, or even defense mechanisms to protect us from feelings and impulses that are incompatible with our self-image, but are authentic, spontaneous needs and emotions springing from the depth of our being. They can also be seen as  attitudes which have helped us human beings survive in the course of our evolution. The idea that kindness is a fundamental inborn human trait is crucial to a fair and thorough understanding of human nature.

Beauty, by facilitating empathy and intimacy, makes us “kinder”. Beauty is often associated with competition, richness, exclusiveness, and envy. It is also linked to jealousy, compulsive cosmetics, fear of aging. But the experience of beauty itself is freeing, nourishing, uplifting, and transforming. I am talking about the beauty we may find in a great variety of contexts: in nature, at a concert, at an exhibition. Also in everyday situations: we may find beauty  in the reflections of the sun on a piece of metal, or in the shape of a fallen leaf, or in the pitter-patter of the rain. Most important, there is such a thing as inner beauty: for example, the beauty of intelligence, of caring and generosity, of vivaciousness and humour.

“Beauty” has rarely been researched as such. The word is too general and vague, and it sounds old-fashioned to many. However, an ample volume of research shows that more specific activities manifestly connected with the aesthetic dimension of life, such as learning a musical instrument, spending time in nature, going to an exhibition, reading a book, producing a painting, singing, doing drama, are highly beneficial to physical and mental health. Studies show that art schools benefit academic performance in all fields, stimulate intelligence and liveliness, increase self esteem and evoke prosocial attitudes and behavior. Students in art schools not only do better at school, they also participate more in community activities, and are readier to do a friend a favour. We now know that participating in cultural events, such as art shows, theatre or concerts, makes people enjoy greater health and satisfaction in life.

In the past few years I have investigated the effects beauty has on the human psyche, both through my own work as a psychotherapist, and by interviewing a variety of individuals. The results are extremely encouraging, and show that beauty in all its aspects is a readily available resource to all. There may exist something we could call “aesthetic intelligence”-  the capacity to appreciate beauty – which can be cultivated and developed.

Unfortunately, for a variety of cultural and historical reasons, beauty is underrated; it is not appreciated to its full potential, and at school is often presented in ways that are boring, too rigid and abstract. Many people think that in order to appreciate beauty you must be highly cultured, or need money to afford great works of art in your home or expensive travels to exclusive resorts; or, deep down, they may feel they do not deserve it: they feel threatened by the extremely powerful effects the experience of beauty might have on their personality.

One important benefit of the aesthetic experience is that it can move us powerfully, thus helping us to shed our masks and roles, and get in touch with more authentic elements of our being. Once we have at least partly outgrown limited models of beauty – consumerism, possessiveness, competitiveness, preoccupation with physical appearance, materialism, stereotyping, cultural clichés, preconceived preferences – we can learn to develop our aesthetic intelligence, both in its range and in its intensity.

As I have mentioned, beauty shared with other people is felt more strongly and enjoyed more. The experience of beauty makes us open, spontaneous, empathic. In such a state we are more drawn to altruistic attitudes and behavior. But there is another reason beauty why makes us kinder, and it has to do with needs. Are your needs satisfied? The question is not as simple as it may seem at first. The reason is that our society is continually creating new needs: for gadgets, clothing, travels, cars, food, and so on. Most if not all of these are not strictly necessary for survival, yet powerful advertising and social pressures turn them into acquisitions not only desirable, but indispensable. These are clearly artificial needs, and our whole economy depends on that. I will not discuss here the issue whether this is morally right or not. What concerns me here is that creating new artificial needs can distract us from the fulfilment of needs that are not so explicit, but are indeed more profound and basic to our nature. Take the need for beauty. I strongly believe that we need beauty in its many forms, and that when it is missing from our life, we are in trouble: we feel irritated, nervous, uneasy, or even panicky or depressed. The need may be so deeply buried that we are unaware of why we are so upset.

Much of my time as a psychotherapist is devoted to helping people to treat themselves better. They need, for instance, solitude and silence, or nature, or time for play, or greater appreciation from others, and the chance to express themselves. And they need beauty. But they do not know it, in much the same way as some of usas some of us can go without enough sleep or  water, yet not feel thirsty or sleepy. And yet the need is there – and if it remains unfulfilled, we feel uncomfortable. As we know, the moment we are satisfied and our needs, including the deeper ones, are met, we feel at peace and are better disposed to the world.

We do not become kinder by trying hard to be kinder, or by making and effort to suppress or sacrifice what we are and what we feel. Rather, it is through a form of wise benevolence towards ourselves. It is an easier and much more elementary way: enjoy beauty and you will be happier. Be happier and you will be kinder.

 

Piero Ferrucci

Author of The Power of Kindness and Beauty and the Soul