Have any of these communication problems happened to you?

  • People say, “You’re not listening,” even though you were
  • A direct report gets defensive when you give them feedback
  • You feel uncomfortable asking for what you need
  • You are told that your body language shows disinterest

If you answered “yes,” you’re not alone – these are common and might be hard to navigate.

Unfortunately, most communication advice is too vague:

  • “Don’t be judgmental.”
  • “Be more curious.”
  • “Actively listen.”
  • “Show that you care.”
  • “Be empathetic.”

But how do we do these things?

It’s like being given a sailboat and instructed, “Sail north and don’t let the wind knock you off course,” but we don’t know how to adjust the sails.

Judgments, defensiveness, and emotional reactions are gusts of wind pulling our thoughts and attention in a different direction. So, how do we manage them, or adjust the sails in order to stay on course?

“Empathic communication” is, simply put, communicating using empathy tools:

listening for their emotions, experiences, and needs

reflecting back what we hear

showing caring through tone and body language

being aware of our own emotions, experiences, and needs

and sharing with the other person

Each of these will be broken down into concrete exercises.

Ultimately, empathic communication is the foundation of effective communication in general. All communication benefits from listening closely, understanding someone else’s perspective, and choosing our words wisely.

This section will mostly focus on empathic communication, but there are many resources out there for other types of communication, including negotiation, public speaking, influencing, and socializing.