If your cell phone lit up with a “low battery” warning, you likely wouldn’t think, “You’re overreacting,” and ignore your phone. Even if you barely used your phone and didn’t understand why the battery is low, you would still respect the fact that the battery needs to recharge.
So why don’t we show people the same respect and consideration? If a coworker said to you, “I’m really annoyed that I haven’t heard back from Jim. He’s terrible at answering emails,” and you disagreed, how would you respond?
Every person has their own experience that deserves to be respected. Empathy is treating other people’s emotions and experiences as important information for them, even if we don’t understand, relate, or agree.
Unfortunately, we tend to believe that our emotions, experiences, and opinions are the only reality and that other people’s are false, but actually, both have validity. How is that possible? Isn’t one person “right” and the other person “wrong”?
Remember, emotions are messengers, signaling what that individual needs, and every reaction comes from a unique combination of past experiences, personality, stressors, and more.
Empathy validates the other person’s reality without agreeing or condoning while setting the stage for problem-solving and building trust.
Empathy is acknowledging and respecting their emotions and experience.
For example, Josh confides in his coworker, Renée, “I’m nervous about getting my performance review,” and Renée rolls her eyes, “You shouldn’t be nervous.” Renée’s response lacks empathy because she immediately discounts Josh’s emotional information.
Showing empathy does not mean you agree with their feelings, beliefs, or values.
Renée doesn’t agree with Josh’s nervousness because she believes that when you work hard, you get a good performance review. Regardless of her opinions and experiences, she could still listen to Josh, respect his emotions, and try to relate to the feeling – Renée has felt nervous before.
Empathy is not putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.
This can lead to the false assumption that how you would feel = how they feel. Emotions are very individual and situational.
Instead of imagining what it’s like for you to walk in their shoes, imagine what it’s like for them to walk in their shoes.
Unlike Josh, when Renée thinks about getting a performance review, she feels calm because she isn’t phased by feedback. So, putting herself in his shoes doesn’t help Renée understand Josh’s perspective.
Empathy is not taking on their feelings.
Instead of getting equally upset, make space for the other person to feel what they’re feeling. You can tap into your own feelings without getting lost in theirs.
“Taking on their feelings” is like jumping into a sinking boat instead of throwing them a rope.
If Renée got equally upset, Josh would feel even more nervous.
Empathy is a sign of emotional intelligence.
Only people who are skilled at managing their own emotions and judgments can hold space for someone else’s feelings.
Renée judges Josh’s feelings, believing that his nervousness is unnecessary and pointless. If, however, she respected his experience, then he would feel understood and trust her more.
Showing empathy does not make you responsible for their emotions or their situation.
Renée can’t make Josh’s emotions go away, especially by telling him to stop feeling nervous (which doesn’t work). Also, she doesn’t need to solve the problem for him, for example, if Renée asked his manager to be gentle while giving the performance review. The only way Renée can help is to listen and respect how Josh feels.
If Renée responded with empathy, it might sound like this:
“My last manager was overly critical of my work.”
“Sounds like you’re worried this manager will be like the last one. Is that right?”
“Yes, exactly.”
“Why are you nervous?”