Sometimes when two people are having two different kinds of conversations, they wind up feeling misunderstood or unheard, which can diminish trust and weaken the relationship.
Are you having the same kind of conversation?
Emotion-focused conversations*
- Expressing emotions, giving and receiving empathy, working through conflict
- For example, “I’m disappointed that my manager didn’t give me a raise.”
- *These require empathic communication skills
Practical conversations
- Solving a problem, planning out logistics, brainstorming
- For example, “What do you think the next steps are?”
Social conversations
- Getting to know someone, small talk, bonding
- For example, “How was your weekend?”
Do these communication problems sound familiar?
Situation: Ciara is venting about the bad traffic on her morning commute.
Instead of just listening, Tony suggests alternate roads.
| Conversation type | The result |
|---|---|
| Ciara = emotion-focused conversation Tony = practical conversation | Ciara is disappointed. Tony thinks he is helping. |
Situation: Trying to get to know Jalen better, Ciara asks, “What do you like to do for fun?”
Instead of simply answering, “I love amusement parks,” Jalen shares a traumatic story about the time he got stuck on a rollercoaster for 3 hours.
| Conversation type | The result |
|---|---|
| Ciara = social conversation Jalen = emotion-focused conversation | Ciara is uncomfortable. Jalen thinks they are connecting. |
Situation: Ciara is coordinating a volunteer schedule.
Instead of staying on task, Vanessa keeps talking about funny videos she watched recently.
| Conversation type | The result |
|---|---|
| Ciara = practical conversation Vanessa = social conversation | Ciara is frustrated. Vanessa thinks they are having fun. |
How to have the same kind of conversation:
If you are the listener…
Pay attention to the other person’s mood and what they are talking about. When in doubt, listen with empathy and reflect back what you heard (explained further in Reflecting back).
- For example, when Ciara was venting to Tony about the traffic, Tony could have noticed her frustration and said, “Sounds like the traffic was stressful.”
If you are unsure what kind of conversation it is, ask the speaker what they need or want. “How can I best support you right now? Do you want me to listen, or do you want advice?”
- For example, Tony could say, “I have an idea of how to get around the traffic, but I’m also happy to listen if you want to vent.”
If you are planning to have a practical or social conversation, but the other person seems upset, they may need an emotion-focused conversation first.
- For example, Tony wants to get their 1-on-1 meeting started, but Ciara is clearly upset about her difficult commute. Tony engages in a short emotion-focused conversation by acknowledging her feelings, which helps Ciara release her frustration and refocus on Tony’s practical conversation.
If you are the speaker…
Ask for what you need.
- If you want them to only listen, you can say so.
- For example, Ciara could say to Tony, “I appreciate that you’re trying to help, but I just want to vent.”
For the rest of the Communication sections, we will focus on emotion-focused conversations, which use empathic communication skills.
The three kinds of conversations framework comes from Charles Duhigg, author of Supercommunicators.