Now that Janelle has shared how she feels with Priya, she’s ready to transition into problem solving.
Phrase it as a question, not a demand
- The other person has to agree to changing their behavior. You can’t control them, you can only ask.
- Your request is only one potential solution, so phrasing it as a question opens up a collaborative conversation to figure out what works for both of you.
- “What would you think about…?”
- “Would you be okay to…?”
- “Are you willing to…?”
- Note: if you need to set a firm boundary, then phrase it as a statement.
Identify what you need
Ask for a specific, doable action instead of saying to “stop doing” something
Make it specific:
- When we have vague requests or demands from other people, it can be confusing. For example, when we say “Do better,” “Act like you care,” or “Don’t make me feel bad,” what changes in behavior are we asking for?
- These phrases don’t translate well to others and therefore don’t usually change their behavior.
- If Janelle says, “Act like you care” she means, “Be on time,” but Priya could think she means “Show more appreciation.” Then Priya starts saying “thank you” more, but is still late to meetings.
- Instead, request a specific action, such as “Only call me during work hours,” “Give me a hug when I’m sad,” or”Text me when you’re running late.”
Make it doable:
- Try to avoid asking for the absence of something (“don’t do that” or “stop doing that”).
- The absence of action (“don’t do that”) doesn’t tell people what you want from them. They are left wondering, “Well, if I don’t do that, then what should I do?”
- For example, instead of “Stop leaving dishes in the sink,” say “Would you be willing to wash your dishes within an hour of using them?”
Make the request for the immediate or near future
- It’ll be easier to change behavior if it is sooner and short-term. It is hard to agree to changing a behavior forever, or to start it in one month.
Be open to negotiating or finding a different solution
- Maybe your request doesn’t work for them, but they have an idea of what could. There are usually a handful of possible solutions to a problem.
Hearing “no”:
Every time someone says “no” to you, they are saying “yes” to taking care of themselves.
Examples:
| When they say “no” to… | they’re saying “yes” to… |
|---|---|
| hanging out after work | resting after a long day |
| helping out with your project | getting their work done |
| following your instructions | their routine and habits |
How to hear “no”:
Even if the request is reasonable and would help the other person, they may still say “no” to that idea. Try not to take it personally – they aren’t necessarily rejecting you or your needs.
Imagine what they might be saying “yes” to. Or check in with them: “Can I ask why that doesn’t work for you?”
“Would you be willing to ask your coworkers to end their meetings on time for the next couple of weeks?”
“No, I don’t want to talk to my coworkers.”
“Can I ask why that doesn’t work for you?”
If they are willing to share, listen for their feelings and experience. Reflect back what you heard.
“They’re not going to listen to me.”
“Sounds like it’s difficult to talk to them.”
“Yeah, they do what they want to do.”
If possible, come up with solutions that could meet both of your needs.
“Do you have any ideas of how we could meet on time without talking to your coworkers?”
“What if we changed our weekly meeting to a different day, like Friday mornings?”
“Yeah, let’s try it. Works better for my schedule anyway.”
For more on handling conflict and heated situations, stay tuned for Navigating Difficult Conversations in the near future.
Thinking: I need meetings to start on time.