“Words are windows, or they’re walls.” – Ruth Bebermeyer
It would be nice if people listened without getting defensive, right?
Certain words, tone, or body language can make the listener defensive, even if that is not our intention. And when people get defensive, they stop listening.
Imagine someone saying to their coworker, “You are never on time.” The coworker might get defensive because they were on time two weeks ago. Now they are distracted, thinking about all of the other days they weren’t late. They stop listening and miss what else is said.
If we choose our words wisely, people are more likely to listen and show us empathy.
Overview: How to speak so that people will listen
Before the conversation
Step 1: Check in with your intentions and emotions
Are you ready for a conversation?
Step 2: Plan what you want to say
Choose words that are less likely to make them defensive.
Step 3: Ask if they are willing to speak about the topic
They may not be in the right headspace right now. Also, let them know what you want to discuss.
During the conversation
Step 4: Check that your body language is open
Closed off body language can undercut your message.
Step 5: Check that your tone is calm and compassionate
Tone can reveal underlying judgments.
Step 6: Describe what happened using “I” statements and observations through your five senses
As if you were describing a movie, use phrases like “I saw…” “I heard…” “I felt…”.
Step 7: Pause, or if appropriate, ask what is going on for them
Then reflect back.
Step 8: Share your emotions and/or experience
In a way that is comfortable for you in this situation using “I” statements.
Step 9: Give them a chance to respond and reflect back
Or ask for a reflection back, if you want one.
Step 10: If you need something from them, ask for it
Make your request a specific, concrete, and doable action for the near future.
Detailed steps and example
For example, Priya rushes into her weekly meeting with Janelle ten minutes late again. Priya has been late to the past several meetings. After the meeting, Janelle notices that she’s feeling frustrated and annoyed because they’ve lost time to work on their project. She wants to talk to Priya about her lateness.
Before the conversation
Step 1: Are you ready to have a conversation? Check in with your intentions and emotions first.
Ask yourself: “What is my intention for this conversation?”
Possible intentions
Putting the other person in their place
Ⓧ Hold off: blaming or criticizing will make them defensive. Plus, you might say something you’ll regret.
Take time to process and release your emotions first.
Proving that you’re right
Ⓧ Hold off: starting a conversation this way will make it hard for them to listen and hard for both of you to find a solution.
Take time to process and release your emotions first.
Sharing your experience
✅ Go ahead: expressing what you need without blame or judgment is constructive.
Problem-solving or improving a situation
✅ Go ahead: this is a cooperative intention and a good place start a conversation.
Step 2: Write or practice what you want to say ahead of time
While it may feel strange at first, planning out what you want to say can help a lot. It gives you the chance to filter out judgments that will make the other person defensive, and you might feel calmer heading into the conversation because you are prepared. Afterwards, you might be proud of how you handled yourself.
Describe what happened using “I” statements and observations through your five senses, as if you were describing a movie.
- Describe what happened, not the other person’s goal. (Don’t assume they had malicious intent.)
- Choose your words carefully. Watch out for blame or judgment.
- Phrases to use:
- “I saw…”
- “I heard…”
- “I noticed…”
- Be specific. Instead of “You don’t care about my time since you’re always late,” describe what happened, “You arrived ten minutes late to the past six meetings.”
(writing what she plans to say) “I noticed that you’ve been ten minutes late to the past six meetings and wanted to check in.”
- You could also write out other things you might say later in the conversation, including what you want to ask them (see How to ask for what you need).
Share your emotions and experience (in a way that is comfortable for you in this situation) instead of criticizing their “character flaws.”
Focus on the impact their actions have on you, the work, your team, or the organization.
- Phrases to use:
- “I felt…”
- “I thought…”
- Or use more general emotion-related phrases, like:
- “This is hard.”
- “I feel conflicted.”
- “It’s challenging to…”
Non-emotion words can make people defensive
- Try to stick to actual emotion words.
- Avoid sneaky non-emotion words like “disrespected, misunderstood, ignored, unappreciated, etc.” These words blame the other person.
- People may get defensive when they hear non-emotion words because they think their character or intentions are being attacked.
- Also avoid the phrase, “I feel like you…” because it is usually followed by a judgment or assumption, not an emotion, such as, “I feel like you are lazy.”
(writing what she plans to say) “For me, it’s tough because our meetings are shorter when we don’t start on time and we don’t make as much progress.”
Step 3: Ask if they are willing to speak about the topic. Then pick a date and time.
- Asking for permission shows respect and gives them a chance to choose if or when you two speak.
- People are less likely to get defensive if they have a moment to prepare for the conversation.
- Even if you only have a quick request, always check if now is a good time. Just because it’s a good time for you doesn’t mean it’s a good time for them.
- For example, one person is rushing to an appointment and the other person stops them in the hall to ask a question.
- If possible, tell them what topic you want to discuss. “Can we talk?” doesn’t prepare them for the conversation. For example, one person is rushing to an appointment and the other person stops them in the hall to ask a question.
- It can be generic, such as, “Are you okay to talk about my workload at our meeting tomorrow?” if you don’t want to get into detail or make them defensive with the topic (“Are you okay to talk about how I’m given too much work?”).
“Hey Priya, would you be willing to chat for a few minutes this afternoon about our work process? I want to make sure we’re on the same page.”
“Sure, how about 2 p.m.?”
During the conversation
Step 4: Check that your body language is open
People listen not only to words, but also to body language.
- Uncross your arms and legs; relax your shoulders, jaw, brows, belly, and other body parts that tense up.
- Open body language helps both of you. For the listener, it signals that they don’t need to defend themselves. For you, it can relax some tension, which may help you feel calmer.
Janelle and Priya sit in the breakroom.
Thinking: I’m noticing that I automatically tensed my jaw and eyebrows because I’m feeling nervous and some lingering frustration. Okay, I’m going to relax my jaw and eyebrows. (Takes a deep breath.) I feel more at ease and ready to speak.
Step 5: Check that your tone is calm and compassionate
- Even if your words don’t criticize or attack someone, your tone can reveal your feelings and opinions.
- You don’t have to mask your feelings and pretend to be fine. It’s okay to show some emotion, but watch out for letting your emotions take the wheel, causing you to blame and judge the other person. Remember, you are responsible for managing your own emotions.
Janelle takes a deep breath and reminds herself that there’s always a reason why someone is late, even if she doesn’t agree with it.
Thinking: I’m noticing that I automatically tensed my jaw and eyebrows because I’m feeling nervous and some lingering frustration. Okay, I’m going to relax my jaw and eyebrows. (Takes a deep breath.) I feel more at ease and ready to speak.
Step 6: Describe what happened using “I” statements and observations through your five senses, as if you were describing a movie
Janelle already planned what she’s going to say in Step 2.
“Thanks for taking the time to chat. I’d like to talk about our work process and meetings. I noticed that you’ve been 10 minutes late to the past six meetings and wanted to check in.”
Step 7: Either pause here, or if appropriate, ask what is going on for them and reflect back
This is an opportunity for them to share their experience. You might learn something about their situation that you didn’t know or incorrectly assumed.
If they choose to share, listen empathically and reflect back.
“Can I ask what’s going on for you? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah everything’s fine, but I’ve been busy with back-to-back meetings and I’m always scrambling to get to the next one.”
Reflecting back: “It’s hard to have so many meetings, especially if they run over. Is that stressful for you?”
“Yes, it’s been a lot to manage.”
Step 8: Share your emotions and/or experience (in a way that is comfortable for you in this situation) using “I” statements
Janelle already planned what she’s going to say in Step 2.
“For me, it’s tough because our meetings are shorter when one of us is late. We don’t make as much progress.”
If you’re having trouble translating judgments or assumptions into emotions, then you can share them while acknowledging that they might not be true.
Use phrases like:
- “The story I’m telling myself is ___. Is that true?”
- “The thought I keep having is ___. Is that accurate?”
Note that this is phrased as a question, not a statement. A statement like, “You clearly care more about other projects,” will make them defensive.
“The story I’m telling myself is that you care more about other projects than this one. Is that true?”
Step 9: When you’re done speaking, give them a chance to respond and reflect back, if they know how
“No, I care about this project. And I get it – it’d be good to have that time back and get through more agenda items.”
If you’d like a reflection back and haven’t received one, you can ask for it.
- “This is really important to me and I want to be sure that I’ve been clear/we’re on the same page. Could you tell me what you heard me say?”
- Make it clear you are not testing them, just checking that you are communicating clearly.
Step 10: If you need something from them, ask for it
See How to ask for what you need
We can use these techniques to share positive things too:
For example, when thanking a coworker for their dedication to a project, instead of a generic statement like, “Good job,” use descriptive “I” statements and share emotions or experiences.
“Thank you for your support, enthusiasm, and hard work. I appreciate how quickly you responded to every email, meticulously tracked all of the details, and stayed late last week to finish the presentation. You gave me peace of mind, knowing that tasks would be done well and on time.”
Thinking: “My intention is to solve the problem: our meetings need to start on time.”