Paraphrase their emotions and experiences in your own words, avoiding judgments
- Instead of “She’s the worst,” say “Sounds like her comment was hard to hear. Are you annoyed that she said it?”
- Try to only reflect back one emotion or aspect of the experience at a time.
Check that you understood correctly
- ✅ Do ask it as a question or a gentle statement → “Sounds like you’re disappointed. Is that right?” or “Are you disappointed?”
- If you are wrong, this gives them the opportunity to correct you.
- Ⓧ Don’t state it as a fact → “I know you’re disappointed.”
- If you are wrong and say it this way, they will feel misunderstood.
Allow them to correct you
- It’s okay to be wrong! The goal is to find the right words and check in, not guess correctly every time.
- It’s also possible that when they “correct” your reflection, it is about them exploring and understanding what other feelings are there, and not about your incorrect guess.
- Maybe after you say, “Are you disappointed?” they realize that they were actually feeling a different emotion. They might respond, “No, I think I’m feeling a more intense emotion…I’m discouraged.” This is great – you’ve helped them identify what they’re feeling.
For example, Pascal reflects back to Raj:
“Yeah, definitely. But I don’t want to confront them.”
“Are you worried about how they’ll react if you talk to them?”
“Yes, but not just worried…I’m anxious about it. I haven’t been sleeping well.”
“And then the problem is following you home from work. Are you getting burned out?”
“Yeah, I think I am. It’s been hard.”
“Sounds like it’s been weighing on you.”
“It has. Talking about it helps though.” (Takes a deep breath.) “Thanks for listening.”
When can we give advice or share similar stories from our life?
Giving advice and sharing personal stories are in the above list of responses that don’t count as “reflecting back.” That said, it is okay to share knowledge or show understanding through your experiences, but the catch is to show empathy first and then get permission to shift the conversation.
- Reflect back their emotions or experience
- “Sounds like you are feeling ___. Is that right?”
- Then ask for permission
- “Can I share about a time my boss micromanaged me?”
- “I’m noticing this is like an experience I’ve had, do you mind if I share?”
- “Would it be helpful if I shared how I’ve seen others handle similar situations?”
- “Can I make a suggestion of what to say to your boss?”
- Be willing to hear “no”
- “No” doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t value your advice or stories – they just want to process their feelings and get empathy from you. Remember, they might find the solution on their own.
“It’s hard to work when someone’s looking over your shoulder all the time. Sounds like you’re frustrated with your supervisor?”