When we are uncomfortable with other people’s emotions, don’t have the patience to listen, or feel too compelled to help, we will likely give a response that is not empathic. Oftentimes, these responses are said with good intentions, but discount the speaker’s experience.
As you go through the different types of responses below, ask yourself:
- Which of these bother me when other people do them?
- Which of these do I do?
For example, Raj sighs heavily and shares with his coworker, Pascal, “Ugh, my supervisor keeps micromanaging my work.”
Below are Pascal’s potential responses.
Discounting or minimizing the impact of something
What Pascal might say to Raj:
Problem with this response:
Discounts or minimizes their feelings and experience.
Blaming the speaker
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“Did you do something to make them worried about your work?”
Problem with this response:
Assumes that the speaker did something wrong and makes them feel attacked.
Blaming someone else
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“Your supervisor is so insecure and terrible at their job.”
Problem with this response:
Shifts the focus of the conversation to who/what is to blame.
Speculating
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“Do you think they’re only doing this because they want to get on your nerves?”
“They’re probably going to fire you.”
Problem with this response:
Shifts the focus from their experience to your curiosity.
Making it about you
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“Oh, I used to have a boss like that. This one time…”
Problem with this response:
Shifts the focus to you and makes them feel unimportant.
Explaining or Defending
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“As a supervisor myself, I’m sure they were just trying to keep things in order.”
Problem with this response:
Ignores their experience and shifts the focus to the supervisor.
Comparison or One-upping
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“When I worked with them, their micromanaging was even worse.”
Problem with this response:
Minimizes their feelings and experience.
Fixing, Advising, or Educating
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“You should ask for a big project to prove that they can trust you.”
“Have you tried talking to HR?”
“There’s a great podcast about micromanaging you should listen to.”
Problem with this response:
Ignores their feelings and gives unsolicited advice without permission.
Note: When you give them space to process their thoughts and feelings, they will probably find a solution on their own. For more on this, go to When can we give advice?
Reassuring
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“I’m sure it’ll get better. These things always have a way of working themselves out.”
Problem with this response:
Discounts their feelings and the impact of the situation.
Note: Reassurance can be helpful, but reflect back first and then check if they want reassurance.
Gathering information
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“What exactly did they do? Have they micromanaged you before?”
Problem with this response:
Focuses on the details of the story instead of their experience. This often comes right before trying to fix the situation.
Analyzing
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“Where do you think your problem with micromanaging comes from? Do you think you have issues with control?”
Problem with this response:
Focuses on uncovering subconscious motives instead of providing emotional support.
Note: Analyzing can be helpful when said by a loved one or therapist, but only after they’ve reflected back.
Getting equally upset
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“Such a jerk! How could they do that to you? I’m so upset for you!”
Problem with this response:
Joining them in their suffering instead of holding space for them.
Pitying
What Pascal might say to Raj:
“You poor thing. I don’t know how you go to work each day.”
Problem with this response:
Emphasizing their suffering can make it feel all-consuming. Or it sends the message that you are better than them.
As you can tell, there are a lot of ways to unintentionally dismiss the speaker and leave them feeling unheard. Good news is that properly reflecting back is fairly straightforward.
“You’re overreacting.”
“That’s nothing. It could be way worse.”
“At least you have a boss who cares.”