Reflecting back is paraphrasing the speaker’s main points, emotions, and experiences in our own words, and then checking if our understanding is correct.
We do this for a few reasons:
- To make the speaker feel understood and cared for
- To confirm that we’re on the same page
- To help the speaker process their thoughts and feelings
Reflecting back sounds like:
- Are you feeling ___?
- Sounds like you are feeling ___. Is that right?
- It’s hard when other people don’t _____.
- It’s nice when other people ____.
The power of empathic listening + reflecting back
We can help people release their emotions just by listening and reflecting back.
When we truly listen to someone, we are a witness to their experience, their humanity. And when we reflect back, they know they are not alone, which may naturally help them release their emotions.
It may feel strange at first because many of us were not taught how to do this. Keep practicing because it can have a huge positive impact on the person speaking.
If you’re doubtful that this works in real life, try it. You may notice their shoulders drop or hear them sigh with relief.
It is especially helpful to reflect back in moments when…
- the other person doesn’t feel understood
- the topic is important to either person
- emotions are running high
- trust is low
What reflecting back is and is not
Reflecting back is not just saying “I hear you” or “I understand.” These responses don’t reflect back the speaker’s specific emotions and experiences.
Reflecting back is not parroting back exactly what they said. Instead, paraphrase or summarize what you heard using emotion words, such as, “Are you jealous that your coworker got the promotion because you worked so hard for it?” or “It’s upsetting when we work hard and aren’t rewarded for it.”
Reflecting back doesn’t mean that you agree with them. You’re simply acknowledging their point of view, experience, and emotions. This is important to keep in mind during conflict.
It’s okay if your reflection is incorrect – that’s why you should phrase it as a question. Allow them to correct you and guide you toward understanding, and then try reflecting back again.
Generic reflections back:
Generic reflections back show understanding through short phrases and tone of voice. These are useful when we’re unsure of what to say but want the speaker to know we understood the general feeling of their experience. They are also good openers for reflecting back specific emotions and experiences.
Generic reflections back sound like:
- That’s tough.
- That sucks.
- Sorry you went through that.
- That’s wonderful.
- Good for you!
- How exciting!