If your friend forgot to buy bread at the grocery store, you likely wouldn’t say, “You’re so stupid. How could you forget that?” So, why do we talk to ourselves that way?
Self-compassion is when we let the wise, calm, caring part of ourselves comfort the hurting part. The hurting part often comes from our history, and often from childhood.
Self-compassion is being our own best friend by holding space for our feelings and comforting ourselves. We show ourselves understanding, acceptance, and kindness, which helps release emotions.
Just as you’d say to your friend, “It’s understandable that you’re frustrated about the bread,” try saying it to yourself.
If you’ve never done it, self-compassion can feel strange at first, but the more you practice, the more comfortable and comforting it gets. It can be a challenging skill to learn, but a very powerful one. With time, self-compassion may become the more dominant voice in your head, taking the place of the harsh and critical voice.
Below are a few different types of self-compassion exercises. Try them all or choose whichever type is most appealing.
Self-compassion phrases:
- Label what you’re feeling
- Place your hand on your heart or give yourself a hug
- Pick 1-2 phrases below to say to yourself (silently or out loud, if you’re alone):
- It makes sense you feel this way.
- This is really hard.
- It’s okay to feel like this.
- You’re doing great.
- I know it hurts.
- You’re going to get through this
- Take things one day at a time.
- Everyone makes mistakes.
- You’re not alone.
“What would you say to a friend?” exercise:
- What negative thought is repeating itself in your head? What emotions are you feeling?
- What would you say to a dear friend who is thinking and feeling this way?
- Say it again, but this time address it to yourself, starting with your name.
For example, Mei Lien just moved to a new city and shows herself compassion:
1. What you’re thinking/feeling:
2. What you’d say to a friend:
“I’d say, ’It makes sense you feel that way. You just moved to a new city and it’s been isolating. I know it’s been hard to make friends and I am here for you. You deserve to feel understood and cared about. I see you and care about you. You’ll find other people who do too.’”
3. Repeat with your name:
“Mei Lien, it makes sense you feel that way. You just moved to a new city”…etc.
Guided audio exercises:
Getting acquainted with self-compassion can be easier with guided audio, which walks you through the steps of processing feelings and showing yourself compassion.
The first time you do this, find a private, quiet, and comfortable space to sit or lie down.
If the time commitment is intimidating (5-17 minutes, depending on the track), keep in mind that these audio exercises can be used just to kickstart your self-compassion practice. As your skills get stronger, you may not need the audio guide and can do self-compassion within a minute or two on your own.
Self-Compassion Exercises by Kristin Neff (Audio, varied lengths)
- Click on the title to play the audio track.
- Maybe choose a track with “Self-Compassion Break” in the title.
“Conversation with Unconditional Love” exercise:
If the concept of the “wise and comforting Self” doesn’t resonate with you, try turning your attention to a wise and comforting energy outside of you. This exercise is a nice variation of self-compassion, swapping out the “wise Self” with “Unconditional Love”.
If the name “Love” is too uncomfortable, feel free to change the name to something else that represents a caring, compassionate energy outside of you, such as “Universe.”
With two different pens or pencils, have a written conversation between you and Unconditional Love. Love always responds with support, understanding, and grace.
“Every morning, I take up my journal and I let my Fear write these words to Love: ‘I need you.’ And Love always answers with the same response: ‘I’m right here.’ And so the dialogue begins. I ask Love what to do, and [Love] tells me.
This is Infinite Love that I’m talking to, not romantic love. This is Unconditional Love.
What would Unconditional Love tell you, if you asked for comfort? Generally, [Love] says things to me like: ‘I don’t need you to be any different than you are…I am right here with you…No matter how today’s drama or dilemma resolves itself, I will be right here with you…'”
– Elizabeth Gilbert
Free self-compassion resources:
Self-Compassion Website by Kristin Neff
“I keep thinking ’Nobody cares about me.’ I’m feeling lonely, discouraged, and jealous.”