Things happen to us that are out of our control and may upset us: a coworker is impatient, a manager ignores a new idea, a family member gets sick.
Many of us have not been given tools to manage our emotions, so we turn to other ways of dealing with them. We might avoid our emotions (with social media, TV, food, alcohol), invalidate them, or inappropriately express them (lashing out, passive-aggression). We might blame others for our feelings, villainizing them in our minds (“You made me angry,” “You’re a bad person, I’m a good person”) or blame and villainize ourselves (“I’m a bad person”).
Imagine that you tripped on the sidewalk and scraped your knee. You likely wouldn’t ignore the stinging feeling and light bleeding, nor would you sit and shout at the sidewalk, “This is your fault!” No, you’d probably think, “Ouch, that stings. I need to clean it and put on a bandage.”
What if we could tend to our emotions in the same way that we tend to our bodies? We may not be able to control what we feel, but we can control how we handle the feelings and what we say or do next.
We can do this by taking responsibility for our emotions. After all, our emotions are a reflection of our perspective, life experiences, needs, and beliefs about ourselves and others. Therefore, it is our job to tend to our emotions, just as we’d bandage our own knee.
For example, someone makes a comment that upsets you and instead of jumping to, “You made me upset,” you think, “Ouch, hearing that comment hurts. I feel myself getting agitated – I need to do a calming exercise.” Then you do square breathing (explained in Calming body-based exercises) for a minute.
Even though other people’s actions or words may hurt, that doesn’t necessarily mean they intended to cause harm. Maybe they were curt because they were tired or stressed, not because they resent you. Maybe they were quiet after hearing your idea because they were thinking about it, not because they didn’t like it.
This section is a toolbox of emotion skills, also known as “emotional intelligence” skills. Similar to how a bandage can stop light bleeding, there are quick and simple ways to manage emotions. And the good news is that emotion skills are learnable, so you can start at any age.
With emotion skills, you can:
- Process and release your emotions
- Quickly calm or energize your body
- Shift your mindset and gain perspective
- Listen to your emotions’ messages
- Find creative ways to change your situation
Emotion skills can help you release emotions, shift how you feel, stay calm under stress, and boost resilience. You might also find other aspects of your life improve: clearer communication, deeper relationships, higher productivity, and greater self-esteem.
In order to strengthen emotion skills, you’ll need two things:
- A willingness to notice and feel your emotions, including those that are unpleasant, uncomfortable, or difficult
- A commitment to practicing regularly
It can be hard to remember to practice! But if you do a little every day, you should notice improvement. Even just one of these exercises daily can significantly reduce stress and balance emotions.