Sometimes, even when we’re trying hard to fully listen, our emotions and reactions get in the way. Maybe we are uncomfortable with the conversation or feel attacked by something they said or new emotions are surfacing. Whatever the reason, we have to manage our reactions so that we can continue to listen.
This is one of the hardest parts of empathic listening.
STEP 1: Notice your thoughts or attention shift. Ask yourself:
- Did I hear what they just said? Am I still listening?
- What am I thinking about or focusing on?
STEP 2: Label the emotion or reaction you are having (listed below).
STEP 3: Take action to shift how you feel (listed below).
Feeling distracted or impatient
Where it comes from: Being stressed or tired
How to manage it: Take a deep breath and refocus on their words and body language, maybe even take notes, if appropriate to the situation. If you can’t refocus, ask to continue the conversation at a later time.
Example:
Feeling bored
Where it comes from: Assuming or knowing what they will say, or wanting to move the conversation along
How to manage it: Listen beneath their words for the underlying emotions.
Example:
“I don’t need all of these details. This is so boring. Wait, I won’t be bored if I listen for feelings. It sounds like she’s feeling discouraged because her patients won’t comply.”
Wanting to solve their problem
Where it comes from: Discomfort of sitting with their emotions, a need to share your solution, or impatience with the conversation
The goal of listening is to hold space for their emotions, not solve their problem. “Helping” can also be a form of control because solving the problem helps you move on.
How to manage it: Remind yourself that simply listening is more impactful than any suggestion.
Example:
“I have a great idea of how to solve her problem. But just listening could help her even more.”
Feeling uncomfortable
Where it comes from:
Discomfort with:
- hearing certain things
- emotions (yours or theirs)
- emotion-focused conversations in general
How to manage it: Try taking a few deep breaths, or subtly do a calming body-based exercise.
As long as the conversation is appropriate and the discomfort is manageable, it’s good to practice handling uncomfortable feelings. Over time it will get easier.
Note: this does not apply to situations where someone is harassing you.
Example:
“She’s very upset and I’m not used to emotionally supporting her. This is uncomfortable. I’m going to do some subtle box breathing while she talks.”
Getting defensive or feeling resentful, hurt, angry, annoyed, etc.
Where it comes from: Thinking that they are directly or indirectly criticizing you
How to manage it:
- Do a subtle calming body based exercise to calm the reaction.
- Ask yourself, “What assumptions am I making?” or “What story am I telling myself?”
- Then remind yourself, “That may not be true.” You could even look for evidence of the contrary.
Example:
“Why did she say, ‘No one cares about me,’ when I am sitting here and supporting her? She is so rude and ungrateful.
I’m feeling angry. I need to calm this reaction. (He does an ear massage and his breath slows.)
The story I’m telling myself is that she’s talking about me, but she may have said that because she’s feeling lonely in general, like no one understands. Maybe it’s not about me or this moment.”
Absorbing their emotions
Where it comes from: Feeling so deeply for them or taking on their feelings as if they are your own
How to manage it: Separate yourself from their feelings with the boundary bubble exercise or rooting visualization.
Example:
“I feel myself absorbing her agitation and now I’m feeling agitated too. (Takes a deep breath.) I’m imagining the bubble protecting me, keeping out all of Amy’s energy and feelings.”
“I’ve got so much to do today…oh shoot, I missed what she just said. I’m getting distracted and starting to feel impatient. (Takes a deep breath, looks at the clock.) I have ten minutes left in my break, so I can give her a few minutes to vent.