“To listen well is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation.” – Chinese Proverb
Listening with our full selves
Empathic listening is more than just hearing their words. It’s also listening for their emotions, suspending judgment, being present, and noticing their body language, tone, and energy. In order to do this, we have to listen with our full selves.
The ancient Chinese character “Ting” means “to listen,” and it contains all facets of empathic listening, encouraging us to listen with presence, curiosity, and respect.
Empathic listening exercises:
These exercises are simple, but not necessarily easy. Try them one at a time, spending a few days on each exercise.
For example, Nurse Nate and Nurse Amy are sitting in the breakroom. Amy is sharing that her patient won’t take their medication again and Nate is practicing his empathic listening skills.
Exercise 1: Just listen without interrupting
- Practice not interrupting with comments or questions.
- When you interrupt, the speaker loses their train of thought.
- When you listen, you give the speaker a chance to hear themselves and work through their emotions.
- While listening, notice which impulses to interrupt pop up. For example, do you want to offer advice? Jump in with a story about yourself? Ask questions?
Exercise 2: Give the speaker your undivided attention
- Put your devices away, on silent, or at least on “Do Not Disturb” before or during a conversation.
- Even if notifications don’t distract you, they still interrupt the speaker, who might lose their train of thought or think they are less important than your device.
Nate’s phone dings, so he turns on “Do Not Disturb” and apologizes to Amy, “Sorry about that. You were saying you wish your patients would trust you?”
Exercise 3: Listen and look for emotions
- Listen closely: are they using any emotion words?
- Notice the emotion in their tone of voice: do they sound excited? Concerned? Conflicted? Irritated?
If you were to guess, what emotions are they feeling? Your guess may be wrong, but that’s okay – try to imagine their experience. Don’t say your guesses out loud yet.
Nate thinks: “Amy said the word ‘frustrating’ several times, but her voice is louder and more pressured than usual. Amy seems more than frustrated, but still in the Anger family of emotion – maybe she’s exasperated with the patient.”
Exercise 4: Notice their words, body language, and energy
- Word choice: how are they describing the experience and the problem?
- Body language:
- Looking at the floor or making eye contact?
- Leaning forward or backward?
- Sitting up straight or slumped over?
- Wringing their hands or making big gestures?
- What is their energy level?
- Do their words contradict their body language or energy?
Nate looks at Amy more carefully. He notices: “Amy is leaning forward, running her hands through her hair, and shaking her head. Maybe she is feeling perplexed. And she said, ‘I can’t keep having this conversation with him,’ so maybe she’s feeling depleted too.”
Exercise 5: Show you care with open body language
- Notice your “closed-off body language” and shift it to open body language like:
- Arms uncrossed
- Nodding
- Eye contact, if possible
- Hands visible
- Shoulders, hips, and feet facing them
Nate thinks: “Oops, my arms are crossed and I keep looking at the vending machine instead of Amy.” Nate uncrosses his arms and makes eye contact as she continues talking.
Exercise 6: Try to learn more about their experience
- And if you notice yourself making assumptions or judgments, challenge those thoughts and refocus on what you may not know.
- The goal is to understand their experience, not to decide whether or not you agree with their feelings, thoughts, or actions.
Nate thinks: “She can be a bit of a push-over. She should be more forceful in telling the patient to take the medication. Oh wait, maybe that’s just my opinion and she’s not a push-over. Maybe she knows something about the patient that I don’t.”
Nate thinks: “I have a great idea of what Amy could say to the patient. I really want to tell her right now, but that won’t allow her to hear herself and work through her feelings. Plus, she may already know how to handle the situation.”