Our beliefs about communication reflect what we have observed.
Many of us were never formally taught how to communicate. As kids, teens, and adults, we picked up beliefs and habits by observing and interacting with other people (including family), which shaped our current beliefs about communication. Those ideas may be holding us back without our awareness.
Do you have any of these beliefs about communication?
Why this belief is false: Communication is a skill, not a personality trait. At some point, you learned communication skills from someone else, which means that you can relearn them at any time.
Replace it with:
“How I communicate is a skill that I can develop.”
“I don’t need to learn about communication, I’m already good at it.”
Why this belief is false: Even the greatest communicators try to improve. They welcome opportunities to learn more about themselves, their reactions, and other people’s experiences.
If you believe you are a finished product, you stop engaging and listening. This can damage relationships.
Replace it with:
“There is always something new to learn about myself or other people.”
“Other people are bad at communicating. It’s their fault I can’t get through to them.”
Why this belief is false: Blaming other people gives away your power to change the situation.
You can communicate with almost anyone by listening with empathy, reflecting back what you heard, and asking the right questions.
Replace it with:
“I can still communicate well with other people, even if they aren’t as skilled.”
“Talking about my feelings shows weakness and gives them the upper hand.”
Why this belief is false: Vulnerability and courage are a package deal. Expressing feelings can build trust and connection.
Replace it with:
“Sharing how I feel shows strength and could build a solid relationship.”
“I’ll never be comfortable communicating my needs with colleagues.”
Why this belief is false: By ignoring or dismissing your needs, you set yourself up for resentment towards the other person or yourself.
As Brené Brown, a leadership and vulnerability research professor, says, “Choose discomfort over resentment.”
Your needs matter. With practice and time, it will get easier to communicate them.
Replace it with:
“With time and practice, saying what I need will get easier.”
“They should know what I want/need.”
Why this belief is false: Wants and needs vary from person to person, so you can’t assume they know what your expectation is. You have to ask for it and be specific.
Replace it with:
“If I want them to do something, I have to ask for it.”
“My intention is what matters, not what I said or did.”
Why this belief is false: It also matters how the other person feels. You may not agree with their reaction, but in order to have a positive relationship, you have to care about the impact of your words or actions.
Replace it with:
“Even though I didn’t intend to hurt them, they felt hurt, and that’s what matters.”
Try out a new belief for a week or two. You could write it on a post-it and stick it somewhere you’ll see it every day at home or at work.
“How I communicate is part of who I am, so I can’t change it.”