“Your emotions don’t get to drive the bus, but they play an important role in deciding where the bus is going to go.” – Linda Graham
It’s easy to let ourselves be at the whim of our emotions and make impulsive decisions based on how we’re feeling. Emotions are just messengers signaling what we need. They don’t dictate how our needs should be met.
When we’re feeling a strong emotion, we can have tunnel vision and believe there is only one solution to our problem. In reality, there are many. We can discover these potential solutions by slowing down and understanding the emotion’s message first.
Answering the emotion’s questions:
Every emotion has specific questions that help us identify what we need.
Use the Emotion Families Sheet to label what you’re feeling. Then answer the Emotion’s Questions in the far right column.
For example, for the 3rd time this week, Dr. Jones had to use her lunch break and stay 3 hours after work to fill out electronic health records.
Dr. Jones’s impulse is to storm into her boss’s office and demand that she never have to fill out another electric record ever again.
Instead, she takes a deep breath and checks in with her emotions: she’s feeling frustrated, worried, and depleted. Then she uses the Emotion Families Sheet to answer the emotions’ questions:
Emotion: Frustrated
Emotion family: Anger
Emotion’s question: What is important to you that needs to be protected or restored? What boundaries do you need to set with yourself or others?
Emotion: Worried
Emotion family: Anxiety
Emotion’s question: What brought on this feeling? What small productive actions can you do right now?
What brought on the worry:
This has been going on for months and already happened 3 times this week. I’m worried that if I continue doing this often, I’ll get burned out.
Small actions:
I can schedule a meeting with my boss to brainstorm potential solutions. And I’ll take a 15 minute break this afternoon to recharge a little bit.
Emotion: Depleted
Emotion family: Exhaustion
Emotion’s question: How can you prioritize rest?
Small ways I can get more rest:
Taking a 15-minute break today, a bath when I get home, and going out to dinner with friends.
After answering the emotions’ questions, Dr. Jones has a clear understanding of what she needs and small ways she can start to meet those needs. Note that she has not yet decided how to solve the problem of “having to fill out health records at lunch and after work.” She is now in a good place to brainstorm potential next steps.
What’s important to me:
1. My lunch break. It’s one of the few times I can recharge between appointments.
2. Leaving work at the end of my shift. I can’t be at the office all day.
3. Getting electronic paperwork done quickly and efficiently. It shouldn’t take hours to do.
Boundaries I need:
1. A more efficient way to complete the paperwork
2. A lunch break without working
3. Observing the start and end times of my shift