Preface: The intent of this blog is to help people understand the health ramifications of stress. The science provides strong rationale to be kind to ourselves and why we should use some great, no cost ways to manage stress and fortify our resilience. So please don’t get stressed about stress–do something about it. We have the tools to tap into what nature has given us:the ability to heal ourselves.

COVID-19 stress: COVID-19 is a powerful, multifaceted stressor. For many, it is literally life and death; for others, financial ruin or the threat of it or a combination of the two. Even if we are not afflicted with coronavirus or still have work, we must acknowledge that we are collectively witnessing death, disease, and loss while our lives are on hold.

For any single person, of course, this can be huge.  It would be entirely expected if you feel it, too. I do, as do many that I know. This stress is exacerbated by isolation, the necessary remedy to control the spread of the virus. Layered on top of these other stressors, loneliness itself affects people about the same as smoking 15 cigarettes per day.

Shouldering all of this for months on a scale of many millions portends a second epidemic due to stress’ effects on mental and physical health. Although the coronavirus pandemic will eventually end, we need to act now to fortify our resilience and prevent the stress-related consequences of COVID.

What stress does to us: On a behavioral level, stress can lead to depression and anxiety as well as anhedonia and sleep disturbances. It can cause cognitive errors and interfere with decision-making.  Like when one person shoots at another because they didn’t cover their cough.

On a biologic level, stress accelerates aging, affects immune regulation, and increases inflammation.  Clinically, stress can hamper the defense against viral infections. In patients with HIV, greater life stress was associated with a more rapid progression to AIDS.  Stress is also associated with higher risk of severe life-threatening infections.

We must anticipate, therefore, that stress can also worsen COVID-19, perhaps enhancing susceptibility to infection or worsening the disease in those infected.

Another consequence of stress is eliciting or exacerbating heart disease, diabetes, and asthma and other disorders.  And as people are stressed, drug use to quench psychologic pain will increase (alcohol, opiates, etc.).

So while the responsible professionals focus on the virus and the economy, everyone needs to better manage their stress and fortify their resilience. This will help us be more calm, improve decision-making, and be healthier. And it may directly help with COVID-19.

Four techniques to manage stress and build resilence: Fortunately, there are four very effective ways to help. Using these techniques is not a sign that someone is not “tough enough.”  Toughness alone is insufficient—it must be combined with the intelligence to use the tools that nature gave us to survive and be resilient. 

For the reader’s convenience, we have assembled a resilience resource guide with links to mostly free online instruction by many wonderful teachers. It also has a webinar that explores this subject in-depth.

The first method is meditation, a technique practiced in different ways that helps quiet the incessant chatter in our minds. These thoughts often surround fear and ego that, in turn, generate stress when we focus on them (e.g., “what will happen if I can’t work?” or “will we get infected?” or “I’m not good enough”).

The goal of meditation is to be more present and be aware of the thoughts, not judge or attach to them, making it easier to let them pass. Meditation is not intended to suppress negative thoughts or be distracted from real concerns like solvency or health. By being more present, the mind is more calm to better manage these problems. And by changing how your thoughts affect you, you will have a great skill to buffer against overreacting to future stressors and challenges.

Getting started is not hard and can be done in a variety of ways. It just takes a little practice–10-20 minutes every day can make a huge difference. There is good evidence of how it changes our psychology and physiology. And you will likely find that you are more productive with the remaining 1420 minutes.

The second practice is exercise. Exercise in many forms is well known to reduce stress. Aerobic exercise has been particularly effective as a stress reduction tactic that releases endorphins and affect inflammation.   

As gyms are closed, outdoor exercise in its many forms can be beneficial.  Walking, gardening, running, dancing, and other forms can be managed even with social distancing. In addition to the exercise, being outside allows for appreciation of nature, a great tonic for a distressed soul. 

Many exercises also have a meditative aspect to them as they require focus and presence. Yoga, which combines meditation with stretching and fitness, can easily be done in the confines of your home. 

For whichever you choose, only do them if you are able; for any questions, please speak to your doctor. 

The third modality is kindness and compassion.  There is extensive evidence that giving to someone else makes people feel good. That feeling, colloquially labeled the “helper’s high,” feels good because it activates reward systems in the brain. Caring about others is a potent stress reliever likely through creating positive connection.

There are many ways to be kind. Reach out to others. Call your neighbors, particularly those living alone. By letting someone know you are thinking of them, they know that they matter and are not alone. Or make a donation. By helping others you will also help yourself. 

Look for kindness, too.  Seeing kindness triggers much of the same internal responses as doing kindness.  Our non-profit specializes in gathering and sharing images of kindness.  People who see these are happier, more optimistic, inspired, and grateful. See how you feel after looking a the image below from Lindsay Baca.

Inspiring kindness content can also be found at: Karmatube, Uplift TV, Humankind, and Good News Network. And related to kindness is gratitude practice—a proven way to relieve stress.

Finally, laughter is great for stress. Although Norman Cousins popularized the idea of laughter as therapy, the potential of laughter to decrease pain and stress and promote health was well known for centuries .  Short laughter sessions decrease cortisol and like exercise, meditation, and kindness, increase endorphins. More time spent laughing yielded improvement in a marker of immune function associated with lower stress levels.

To amplify this further, laugh with others. Although coronavirus is highly contagious, so is laughter (and kindness); you can help each other experience its benefits.

Conclusion: We have been given the biology to help heal ourselves and be resilient.  We just need to be kind to ourselves and reach for the tools to tap into it. This is very achievable with regular practice at little or no cost. And when the Corona virus epidemic ends (which it will), these same tools will be very useful in our every day lives.

In kindness,

David (Prof K)

 

In my professional work as a scientist, I have spent a lot of time in meetings.  There were meetings that were very well organized and productive and others that regrettably were not.  It was during these disorganized meetings that my mind would begin to wander.  I found myself estimating the average salary in the room and the resulting cost of this meeting depending on its length.  And then I sighed about the waste of money.

While focusing on money was an “amusing” diversion, it was not satisfying and didn’t last long.  My mind continued to wander during these unproductive assemblies and I began to think about heartbeats.  I had remembered that for most mammals, heart rate was inversely proportional to longevity. That is, across species, the faster the heart rate, the shorter the life span[1].  For example, the heart rate of a mouse versus an elephant as compared to their respective lifespans.

That led to a more personal consideration: if my average heart rate was around 70 beats per minute, sitting in that room for an hour cost me 4,200 heartbeats.  That’s when this epiphany sank in.  I was spending a very precious resource doing something without substantive meaning.  Heartbeats are a personal metronome that Nature gave all of us to mark time.  I realized that I had to spend my heartbeats more wisely.

That’s when this epiphany sank in.

I realized that I had to spend my

heartbeats more wisely. 

The heart is an amazing organ. If you think about it, we are walking around with a pump that circulates our entire blood volume approximately once every minute at rest (for an adult, roughly 5 liters).  It works on demand; that is, it adjusts itself to our body’s needs.  If we are exercising, bleeding, sweating, etc., our heart rate changes to keep providing blood flow to the rest of the body, especially the brain. It also adjusts how much force it will exert to meet those needs.  An amazing variable demand-responsive pump.

In addition to exercise, stressors like anxiety or fear affect heart rate.  These increase heart rate, a consequence of a shift in balance of the two major aspects of the autonomic nervous system: sympathetic and parasympathetic, which respectively increase or decrease heart rate[2].  This balance also affects something called heart rate variability (HRV)[3].  That variation is the time between beats. It turns out that lower variation in the time between beats is associated with worse health.  People who have less variability have greater risk of death[4].  Diabetes, heart failure, and stress are all major causes of decreased heart rate variability, which make sense as they all have increased risk of death.

A way of thinking about HRV is the beat of a drum.  A drummer can strike the drum exactly once per second for a total of 60 beats in that minute so that there is little or no variation between beats.  Or the drummer can vary that—making it slightly quicker and slightly slower so that although there were 60 beats in that minute, the time between each beat varied more.

HRV is higher in younger people and progressively declines with age. Some consider it a test of aging.  And while psychological stress and different diseases decrease HRV, breathing, particularly slow breathing, increases it. Many forms of meditation increase HRV, including compassion meditation[5].  That is extending kindness and compassion to others through thoughts has a beneficial physiologic effect.

Extending kindness and compassion

to others through thoughts has a beneficial

physiologic effect. 

From ancient times, the heart was recognized as the center of emotion.  Poetic expressions like “he wears his heart on his sleeve,” “follow your heart,” or ”a broken heart” points to how symptoms (what a person feels) around the physical heart probably reflected manifestation of different emotions like love and anxiety.  In this model, the brain is the dominant feature telling the heart what it is perceiving.  Yet the physiology is much more complex; it turns out that the heart has its own nervous system and provides feedback to the brain that can affect feelings as well as strategic thinking[6].

The heart also is affected by oxytocin (“the love hormone”).  Released in response to different (particularly prosocial) stimuli like hugs or massage, oxytocin also directly affects the heart and cardiovascular system.  In response to oxytocin, the heart in turn releases another hormone called atrial natriuretic peptide that can lower blood pressure[7].  Oxytocin appears to lower blood pressure and heart rate through other mechanisms, too.  A physiologic way of saying that love is good for the heart.

Each heartbeat, therefore, is a reflection of a lot of complex interactions between our mental and physical states.  And how our heart beats, in turn, affects how we feel.  Beyond being a pump, each heartbeat is an important part of appreciating and living life.  We feel love, suffering, sadness, joy, and amazement through it.  We place our hand over it when expressing emotion or making a pledge.  All because the heart allows us to feel the wonders of being alive.

Love is good for the heart.

The heart allows us to feel the

wonders of being alive.

Yet it is easy to forget about how precious each heartbeat is and take its continuous operation for granted.  What if we changed that? How could we honor the gift of each heartbeat to attain greater meaning?  It might show itself as gratitude for being alive and drive the focused pursuit of doing good with the limited number of heartbeats that we each have.  And with my new-found respect for heartbeats, it is not just mine that matter—I also needed to respect everyone else’s.

After I realized the significance of heartbeats, I changed how I ran meetings.  I would prepare extensively so that everyone would find the meeting productive, emphasizing a culture of listening to each other and openly seeking the truth. The result was really positive, likely because they found meaning through doing good work that honored their own heartbeats.  Kindness here was motivated by the significance of heartbeats.

Of course, there are many other ways to honor heartbeats, not just through meetings. We honor heartbeats when we take care of ourselves (rest, exercise, eat well) and we take care of others (family, friends, coworkers, and strangers).  And this does not mean that we should not watch a silly movie or do something that might be viewed as goofing off (that’s actually relaxing).  It simply means that we should be more conscious of our heartbeats so that, overall, we spend them wisely.

Go ahead—feel your own heart[8].  Marvel at what you have been given.  And then decide what you want to do to make the most of them.  Their yours to make a meaningful life with.

In kindness,

David (Prof K)

[1] https://www.researchgate.net/publication/23486438_Heart_rate_lifespan_and_mortality_risk

[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autonomic_nervous_system

[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_rate_variability

[4] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5900369/

[5] Kirby, J.N., and colleagues: The current and future role of assessing heart rate variability and compassion training.  Frontiers in Public Health volume 5: pgs 1-6, 2017.  https://doi.org/10.3389/fpubh.2017.00040

[6] McCraty, R.  https://www.heartmath.org/research/research-library/basic/heart-brain-neurodynamics/

[7] Grewn, K., and Light, K.C.  Plasma oxytocin is related to lower cardiovascular and sympathetic reactivity to stress.  Biol Psychol.  Volume 87: 340-349 2011 doi:10.1016/j.biopsycho.2011.04.003

[8] You may do so by putting your hand over your heart or feeling your pulse at the wrist at the base of the thumb (don’t do so in the neck).

 

At the times in my life that I had been upset or angry, a good hug was usually a very quick remedy for what was ailing me.  After receiving a warm and genuine embrace from a loved one or friend, the tension in my body would melt almost immediately.  And while my problem did not change in that brief moment, my reaction to it had.

I have witnessed the same in others—and guess that you have also.  Imagine that someone close to you is giving you a nice hug.  Can you feel the relaxation wash over you?  Probably why anyone with a sign “free hugs” often gets a lot of business.  Most people know that hugs are a great antidote to stress.

How does a hug deliver such a remarkable effect so quickly?  Touch is a powerful means of communication.  Through touch, another’s intention is readily discernible—comforting or helpful versus antagonistic and potentially harmful.  In the positive, prosocial mode, hugs are one type of touch that relays the message: “I care about you.  You matter.”  Even perhaps for opposing tennis players at the US Open[1].

We require touch to flourish.

Without touch, especially in children,

healthy human development suffers. 

We require touch with other living beings to flourish.  The importance of physical contact was painfully observed in the orphanages of Romania: children who were provided food but not held or hugged had significant developmental and socio-emotional delay accompanied by smaller brains[2].  This means that physical contact is not only critical for how these children behaved, but for the development of the brain itself, something also observed in animals subjected to social isolation[3].

In people subjected to less extreme circumstances, touch affects the response to everyday conflict.  Murphy and colleagues interviewed 404 adults daily for 14 days regarding their health, conflicts, how they felt emotionally (positive or negative), and whether or not they received a hug[4].

People who had received a hug and had an interpersonal conflict reported feeling more positive with less severe negative reactions on that day.  They also showed evidence that hugging may favorably influence the rate of infection from a cold as well as symptoms[5].

As hugs are a great way to relieve the response to stress, it is not surprising that the number of hugs that a woman receives from her partner is highly related to lower blood pressure as well as higher levels of hormone known as oxytocin, colloquially labeled the “love hormone”[6].

Hugs, of course, are a form of touch that share elements with other types, like massage as well as gentle, light touch.  Like hugging, massage is a great way to release tension. 

Hugs and massage both help to release tension. 

They can decrease pain, improve immune responses, 

and change brain patterns. 

Massage has been shown to decrease pain in a variety of conditions, especially pain associated with cancer, back pain, migraines, etc. It affects the biochemistry that mediates pain or sadness[7] and can also lower blood pressure, reduce cortisol[8], improve immune responses, stimulate the vagus nerve, and change EEG (brain wave) patterns.

In pre-term (premature) babies, light massage for 15 minutes over the course of one week caused significant increase in weight gain.  Complementary to the studies of Romanian orphans, it is remarkable that massage helps babies grow, perhaps by changing their metabolism.

Taken together, it is clear that being touched in a loving and caring way can not only decrease stress but can also help nourish the recipient and help them heal, recover, and grow. Physiologically, we observe activation of specific neuronal and hormonal mechanisms that decrease pain, lower blood pressure (and other markers of stress), and better physical and mental health.  Nature gave us this remarkable ability to help and heal one another.

Hugs can help to decrease stress and

can nourish recipients.

The challenge is that social custom and fear of inappropriate contact (and litigation) have decreased our interaction through touching.  In a 1999 study of preschool children from Miami and Paris, Field noted that French parents affectionately touched their children much more than American parents[9].  Associated with this tactile difference, American children showed more aggressive behavior than the French[10].

The discouragement of interpersonal touch is understandably heightened by the inappropriate actions (or reactions) of either the giver or receiver, especially in a highly sensitive and litigious society that rightly has concerns about consent and intent[11]. Despite clear benefits of comforting touch, however, teachers, doctors, and many others have been admonished to be very careful about whom and how they touch someone else[12]^,[13].

There are creative efforts to satisfy the need to be touched.  Entrepreneurial “professional cuddlers” have opened up shop in different cities, offering a variety of non-sexual ways to be held and with pop up events in different locations[14].  And, as expected, there are tech based solutions, such as a hugging vest, a chair that hugs its occupant, as well as pillows that hug and also communicate with your smartphone[15].  Japanese efforts are particularly notable in the tech approach, perhaps related to the degree of stress reported in Japan.

Even seeing people hugging or touching can 

have a positive impact on brain function. 

A complementary approach may be to allow people see hugging or touching in a gentle way.  Peled and colleagues found that when people simply see images of other people hugging, they exhibited significant EEG changes.  The larger brain wave changes correlated with people who had greater empathic responses to the images[16].

This work is consistent with Envision Kindness’ own research: that images of kindness and compassion, many of which capture caring touch or hugging, are a proven and potent way to induce joy, love, optimism, and connection.  Thus, by simply looking at these images, people can experience lower stress and greater joy. 

Viewing these images should be rounded out by the real thing whenever possible.  So here’s a challenge for you, the reader: begin a regular practice of hugging others.  Start with people you are comfortable with—friends and family.  Try to give at least one each day—you don’t have to wait for National Hug Day (January 21) to do this.  And as you feel comfortable and the situation warrants it, consider extending yourself.  A hug is a gift to someone else.  And remember, giving to someone else is also a gift to you.

With hugs and kindness,

David (Prof K)

[1] https://www.nytimes.com/2019/09/06/sports/tennis/us-open-hugs.html?action=click&module=Editors%20Picks&pgtype=Homepage

[2] https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/06/neglect

[3] Cacioppo, S. et al.  Toward a neurology of loneliness.  Psychol Bull. 140(6): 1464–1504 2014

[4] Murphy, M. et al.  Receiving a hug is associated with the attenuation of negative mood that occurs on days with interpersonal conflict. PLoS ONE 13(10):1  2018 

[5] Cohen, S. et al.  Does hugging provide stress-buffering social support? A study of susceptibility to upper respiratory infection and illness.  Psychol Sci  26(2): 135–147 2015 

[6] Light et al More frequent partner hugs and higher oxytocin levels are linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate in premenopausal women.  Biological Psychology 69 (2005) 5–21 doi:10.1016/j.biopsycho.2004.11.002

[7] Such as Substance P and serotonin.  See Field Massage Therapy Research Review Complement Ther Clin Pract. 2014 November ; 20(4): 224–229. doi:10.1016/j.ctcp.2014.07.002

[8] A hormonal mediator of the stress response

[9] Field  Social touch, CT touch and massage therapy: A narrative review.  Developmental Review (2010) 30:367-383.  https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0273229711000025?via%3Dihub

[10] Also observed in adolescents

[11] https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/mar/07/crisis-touch-hugging-mental-health-strokes-cuddles

[12] https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2015/01/the-benefits-of-touch/384706/  http://theconversation.com/touch-creates-a-healing-bond-in-health-care-59637  https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/08/well/live/the-importance-of-medical-touch.html

[13] https://www.themdu.com/press-centre/press-releases/hugging-a-patient-could-land-doctors-in-hot-water-mdu-advises

[14] http://www.cuddleparty.com/about/ and https://cuddleuptome.com/

[15] There is a research study that this last device is associated with a decrease in cortisol. See Sumioka and colleagues: Huggable communication medium decreases cortisol levels.  Sci Reports 2013. https://www.nature.com/articles/srep03034

[16] Peled et al The role of empathy in the neural responses to observed human social touch.  Cogn Affect Behav Neurosci (2016) 16:802–813 DOI 10.3758/s13415-016-0432-5  

Once a month I volunteer at a meal center to help serve food to people who are in need.  Prepping and serving the dinner is a busy yet fun team activity of 5 to 6 people, organized by two generous souls.  Despite the many other things that I need to do, I really look forward to meeting and serving the patrons, even if only briefly.

Although my motivation begins with wanting to help others and being grateful for what I have been given, it is joy that helps bring me back when I am very busy.  I first noticed this sometime ago: at the end of our shift, after the kitchen and dining room have been cleaned up, I would experience a lightness of being, a sense of satisfaction and reconnection to purpose.  It just feels good.

When we volunteer, we experience a helper’s high,

a sense of euphoria that has direct benefits 

to our health.  

Allen Luks coined this feeling “the helper’s high”, the sense of euphoria that can be experienced soon after helping someone else.  Luks defined two phases—the first characterized by that uplifted, euphoric mood; the second by a longer lasting sense of calm.  The greatest effect (the high) was observed in helping strangers.[1]

A few years ago, as I was researching how kindness affected health, I came to learn that volunteerism was associated with a markedly lower risk of dying.  Depending on the study, the decrease in death rates ranged between 20-60% or so.  For perspective, this is huge.  A good example is the introduction of clean drinking water.  After water filtration and chlorination were introduced early in the 20^th century, death rates from contaminated water dropped about 15-20%[2].

The observations on volunteering come from epidemiologic studies in which populations are followed over time[3].  They are complex in that people are living their lives and there are a lot of what are called “confounding variables”—different things happening at the same time.  For example, people are getting married or divorced, getting or losing jobs, maybe quit smoking, maybe eating and exercising better.  Science like this can be hard to sort out cause and effect.  That is, maybe people who volunteer live longer simply because they are healthier and able to volunteer.  And perhaps they also have financial resource (don’t have to work two jobs) which frees them to volunteer.

People who volunteer live longer. 

Studies suggest that volunteering

causes decreases in death rates

ranging between 20-60%! 

Scientists can try to adjust for these different life events—with reasonable consistency, studies generally report that the effects of volunteering remain after these adjustments.  Following them over time also supports this idea—that volunteerism reduces death.  One recent and large European study found that self-reported health scores were significantly better than in volunteers than non-volunteers—the difference in scores equivalent to about 5 years of aging[4].

How could volunteering cause a decrease in death?  There are several factors at play.  The first, and likely most significant, is uplifted mood, that is, lower stress.  Multiple studies have provided evidence that volunteering is good for depression, well-being, and social network, among other effects[5].  It is entirely consistent with Luks’ observations and my own microcosmic experience.  Second, people who volunteer regularly also make more effort to take care of themselves, as demonstrated in visits to their doctor for preventive health care[6].  Perhaps their networks are chiding them to do so.

Finally, people who volunteer may be more physically active, as seen in the Baltimore Experience Corps Trial, a study of the effect of volunteering in older adults.  In that study, women (but not men) had a significant increase in walking each day compared to those who did not volunteer[7].

Volunteering is good for depression,

well-being, and social network. 

To try to tie this together, volunteering likely exerts its positive effects on health by connecting people to others as well as to an activity that they find meaningful.  Achieving connection, purpose, and meaning is critical to attenuating stressors of life—particularly loneliness.  Since stress is a major cause of disease, especially heart disease, the ability to quench the need for connection, purpose, and meaning can bring about beneficial and salutary changes for people[8].  And when there is purpose and we are connected to others, we take of ourselves.

Most have heard the ancient wisdom that giving benefits the giver more than the receiver.  “A generous man will prosper, he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed” from Proverbs speaks to this point.   If we look at that solely from a materialistic perspective, the concept is hard to fathom.  But if we look at it from a spiritual and now biologic perspective, it totally makes sense.  Even many years ago, our predecessors understood this point without modern scientific techniques.

About 25% of the US population volunteers[9].  What do you think would happen if we could increase that?

And if you can’t volunteer right now but want to get that good feeling, try looking at the images of kindness, compassion, and love on Envision’s site.  Or go out and photograph it[10].  We know that even seeing kindness will give you that feeling.

In kindness,

David (Prof K)

[1] A. Luks “The Healing Power of Doing Good”.  Fawcett Columbine 1991

[2] https://www.prb.org/cleanwatershistoriceffectonusmortalityratesprovideshopefordevelopingcountries/

[3] These are studies in which a population is observed for specific characteristics.  There is no intervention—just watching what happens.

[4] Detolleneare and colleagues: Volunteering, income, and health PLoS ONE · March 2017

DOI: 10.1371/journal.pone.0173139

[5] Anderson and colleagues: The Benefits Associated With Volunteering Among Seniors: A Critical

Review and Recommendations for Future Research Psych Bull 2014  DOI: 10.1037/a0037610

[6] Kim and Konrath: Volunteering is associated with health care use among older adults.  Soc Sci Med. 2016 doi:10.1016/j.socscimed.2015.11.043

[7] Varma and colleagues: Effect of community volunteering on physical activity.  Am J Prev Med. 2016  doi:10.1016/j.amepre.2015.06.015.

[8] This concept is discussed in SoK #3. 

[9] https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/19/us/volunteering-statistics-cfc/index.html

[10] Our new kindness photo contest “Our World Is Kind” is just starting up—

When I was a teenager, the idea that being good looking was key to getting dates suggested that I was going to have difficulty.  Like many, part of this misconception was driven by the stereotype from movies and advertisements that the very physically attractive person was generally more successful in romance.

That was a simpler time–today’s dating apps amplify this issue, delivering hundreds of miniature, two dimensional likenesses at one sitting.  Overloaded with first impression images, it is easy to see how many wonderful people can be missed. 

It is true that physical appearance is an important factor[1] particularly for initial attraction. Humans are wired to respond to certain physical features including facial symmetry as well as the relationship between parts of the face known as the Golden Rule[2] [3].   This innate neuropsychologic response is influenced by people’s prior experiences, their associations, and by cultural definitions of attractiveness.

The long-cited myth that

“nice guys finish last” in romance

turns out to be wrong.

The strong effect of external appearance[4] perhaps coupled to the “bad boy” image has contributed to the long-cited myth that “nice guys finish last” in romance.  Yet that turns out to be wrong.  For both men and women, being nice markedly increases the interest of a potential romantic partner.  In fact, evolution has dictated it to be so.

Evolutionary biologists study behaviors in different organisms to understand the benefit(s) of conserving certain behaviors, especially for reproductive fitness.  As survival of the species is critical, maintaining the ability to reproduce is huge. External attractiveness is an obvious and potent way to communicate fitness, like a male peacock does for the peahen[5].  The larger the plumage, the greater the fitness.

A behavior of keen interest to evolutionary biologists is altruism.  Altruism is kindness or goodness that includes some sacrifice or cost to the giver[6] [7].  As it relates to reproductive fitness, altruists are desirable reproductive partners since they will be more nurturing and provide for kin, enhancing the chances of successful continuation of that gene pool or species.

Studies show that for both men and women,

being nice markedly increases the interest

of a potential romantic partner.

Like physical attractiveness, people are wired to choose kindness when selecting a romantic partner, especially for long-term relationships.[8] [9]  The impact of being nice is strongest in how women view men .  For both genders, being kind is a consistent influencer for selecting someone for a long-term relationship (steady boy- or girlfriend) as well as increases the number of dates.

When offered a dating game choice among three descriptions of a man named Todd, one that is kind and caring, another neutral, and the third “a jerk” (bad boy type), women overwhelmingly chose the kind person.  In the same study, women preferred kind Todd for marriage, as a steady boyfriend, a platonic friend, as well as a sexual partner but not as a “one night stand.”[10]

Kindness also makes people look more physically attractive[11].  For women and men looking at a photo of the opposite sex[12], changing one descriptor to indicate altruistic behavior had a large positive impact on ratings of overall attractiveness[13].

People are wired to choose kindness

when selecting a romantic partner, 

especially for long-term relationships. 

Finally, when being watched by a female, heterosexual males are more generous than if being watched by another male or no one at all.  This suggests that men instinctively know that women are looking for this quality and want to please them by displaying it[14].  It should be noted that all of the research that I was able to find is for heterosexual dating.

On a practical level, if I were using a web-based dating app, with humble honesty I would be sure it was obvious that I like to volunteer or help others[15].  Maybe the shirt I am wearing in the photo would read “Habitat For Humanity” or whatever other organization I was volunteering for.

And if you are not yet volunteering—give it a try.  Beyond getting dates (and helping others), it can change your own life in a really positive way.

David (Prof K)

[1] Walster and colleagues: Importance of physical attractiveness in dating behavior.  J. Personality and Social Psychology vol 4, page 508 1966

[2]  Gunes, H and Piccardi, M: Assessing facial beauty through proportion analysis by image processing and supervised learning. Int J Human Computer Studies 64:1184 2006 and     http://www.viewzone.com/attractiveness2.html

[3] Some explanations include the golden ratio (height to width of face) as well as how symmetrical the face is.  Advertisers clearly exploit that effect to promote products (which unfortunately has its own repercussions about beauty standards, etc.). 

[4] In addition to physical attractiveness, visible displays of affluence, athletic ability, and forceful or confident personality may all contribute to this assessment. 

[5] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Signalling_theory 

[6] It all comes down to willingness to give with varying degrees of what will be returned.  Absolutely pure altruism—nothing in return and possibly with substantial cost, is demonstrated by many parents. 

[7] Or at least no immediate benefit.  There are different subtypes of altruism, including kin selection (an organism sacrifices only for family) or reciprocal altruism in which one member gives to another with an expectation that the receiver will reciprocate in some way and at some time in the future. Self-sacrificing or generosity are other applicable terms. 

[8] D. Ehrlebracht and colleagues: British J of Psychology vol. 109 p 517 2018 “The synergistic effect of prosociality and physical attractiveness on mate desirability”

[9] P. Barclay: British J. of Psychology vol. 101 p. 123 2010 “Altruism as a courtship display: Some effects of third-party generosity on audience perceptions”

^[10] Geoffrey C. Urbaniak and Peter R. Kilmann Sex Roles, Vol. 49, p 413 2003

“Physical Attractiveness and the ‘Nice Guy Paradox’: Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?”

[11] Jensen-Campbell and colleagues. J. Personality and Social Psychology vol. 68. P427 1995.  Dominance, prosocial orientation and female preferences: do nice guys really finish last?

[12] All of the research I have been able to identify has only been for heterosexual relationships

[13] D. Moore and colleagues.  BMC Evolutionary Biology vol. 13 p.182 2013.  Selflessness is sexy: reported helping behavior increases desirability of men and women as long-term sexual partners

[14] As above, only data are from heterosexual studies.  From A. Tognetti and colleagues: Sci Reports (Nature) vol 6 (29819) 2016.  Men increase contributions to a public good when under sexual competition

[15] Especially for the men reading this—be honest—as you will otherwise be found out quickly! 

SoK #6

One of my professors in medical school told us on many occasions that “repetition is the key to success.”  What he meant is that by focused and repeated study of core concepts we would be successful in helping patients.

In the present case, the teaching to keep repeating is that we are all connected to one another in many different ways.  Once we recognize that we are all part of a larger whole, then kindness, compassion, and collaboration flow readily.  Kindness, in turn, strengthens the quality of the network for everyone.

We are all part of a larger whole.

Kindness strengthens the quality

of that network for everyone.

Driving provides many illustrative examples that almost everyone has experience with.  Imagine a traffic jam where three lanes are merging into one due to an accident.  The mixture of trucks and cars provides a challenge as to how to get past this merger as quickly as possible; traffic is backed up for a mile.  At that moment in time, all of the drivers (and passengers) are connected to one another.

Some who do not recognize the connection may abruptly squeeze in and jump lanes. As they do, the slow but smooth flowing intermixing of cars is interrupted, forcing others to rapidly stop. A chain reaction occurs that ripples down the line of traffic requiring many people to stop, delaying progress for everyone, potentially causing accidents, and likely evoking a lot of negative emotions.

Transportation scientists, who have modeled this process (in very complex math), estimate that traffic time could improve ~25% if people took turns merging and, notably, “behaved better.”[1]  That would translate to 15 minutes saved off an hour delay.  Connecting through courtesy (kindness) gets you there faster.

The accident, it turned out, was caused by a driver who was angry about something that happened at work; he cut off a slower, elderly couple.  They lost control of their car which barrel rolled into a ditch on the side of the road. Thankfully, the car’s airbags and other safety features saved their lives.

What/who induced the road rage? As those who display road rage tend to have more anger in general[2] we can envision a scenario in which something happened at work—perhaps criticism from his boss, denial of a promotion, etc.  Perhaps that driver had more difficulty managing that anger because he was upset—his son was bullied and refused to go to school that morning.  The bully, in turn, was reacting to the divorce of his parents….you get the point.

On the positive side, the people who designed and assembled the car did a very good job, resulting in minimal injuries. Their connection to this event was the care that they put into their product.  Other people immediately got out of their cars to help them.  Some of them had a relative saved from a car wreck….

The events of life are almost never simple.

But as our minds don’t like complexity,

we tend to over simplify. 

This often conceals the true complexity of life.

The point of the thought exercise is to illustrate that the events of life are almost never simple.  There are multiple factors (variables) affecting how things manifest.  As our minds don’t like complexity, however, we tend to reduce the number of variables to as few as possible.  A linear logic sequence like “this caused that” (a single causal factor) is preferred and is also the basis of most scientific experimentation.  This oversimplification often conceals the true complexity.

One way to visualize how we are connected to each other comes from Stanley Milgram, a 20^th century psychologist.  Milgram helped develop the concept of “six degrees of separation,” that is, any single person is separated from another by 5 other people.  Also referred to as the “small world problem,” it states that you, the reader, are connected to the Dalai Lama, Steph Curry, Taylor Swift and many others through approximately 5 other people[3].  Microsoft researchers more recently confirmed this principle after studying 30 billion instant messages[4]. And social media, as expected, may make that even smaller–Facebook now estimates that around 3 degrees of separation [5].

While I may have a path that connects me to so many people, that does not address how those connections influence me.  Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler, pioneering social network scientists, showed that for a myriad of states, like happiness, loneliness, and even obesity, each person has about three (3) degrees of influence.[6]

That is, if I am happy, the chance that a friend of mine is happy is 15% more likely.  And the friend of that friend, the likelihood that he/she is happy is 10% higher.  Finally, the friend of a friend of a friend has a 6% higher chance of being happy.

This effect also works similarly for unhappiness and speaks to the idea that emotions are contagious. Reflect on a room that you have walked into and there is someone who is upbeat.  You are lifted, at least somewhat, by being in their presence.  You share that lift with others.  And so the emotion ripples through at least three other people.  Now imagine that the driver’s boss was kinder that day—what could have happened?

How do we reconcile this influential, interconnected network with the strong culture of individualism, i.e., we make (control) our own decisions and destinies?

“We cannot live only for ourselves.

A thousand fibers connect us

with our fellow men; and among those fibers,

as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes,

and they come back to us as effects.”

Imagine a piece of fabric that is very broad with many layers.  Each thread is a person—it has its own unique shape, quality, color, and resonance.  It touches many other threads in all 3 dimensions.  The unique and diverse qualities of each thread express themselves through the fabric.  Well-woven, the fabric is resilient to challenges, strengthened by its diversity.  Kindness and mutual respect are the forces that bind the fabric.

This fabric was described by Herman Melville, the 19^th century author of Moby Dick, who wrote: “We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.”[7]

Look around—see it for yourself and then admire it for its elegance.

In Kindness,

David (Prof K)

[1] https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2012/09/02/how_bad_driving_habits_are_causing_gta_traffic_gridlock.html

[2] Deffenbacher et al: Anger, aggression, and risky behavior: a comparison of high and low anger drivers Behavior Research and Therapy 2003 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12732377/

[3] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12732377/Or Kevin Bacon, as in the game Six Degrees of Separation From Kevin Bacon

[4] https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2008/aug/03/internet.email

[5] https://research.fb.com/three-and-a-half-degrees-of-separation/

[6] http://www.connectedthebook.com/

[7] Perhaps Melville also believed in karma.

SoK #5

In my exploration of how kindness connects people, it has become pretty clear how being kind to someone else uplifts both and creates a positive link between them. I have read many times how good people feel after helping someone through volunteering, or even holding a door (and felt it myself).

If pressed to explain why it feels good, it is clear that helping someone else (or simply seeing kindness) sets off a series of changes in my brain like the release of endorphins, the internal opiates.  Spiritually, of course, helping someone is the right thing to do. The biological connection between my spiritual understanding and how I feel suggests that nature has wired me to do so; my body is reinforcing/rewarding these “right things” with pleasurable sensations.  Similarly, the receiver also feels good because he or she has been acknowledged or valued[1].

It is clear that helping someone else sets off 

a series of changes in the brain like the release

of endorphins. 

Acts of kindness therefore create meaningful connections between people.  It is part of what I have called the kindness-connection cycle, in which acts of kindness connect giver and receiver to one another[2].

The focus of this class is the last arc of the kindness-connection cycle, which states that meaningful connection, in turn, increases kindness. The central idea is that when we truly understand that each of our lives is intertwined with so many others, kindness, compassion, and collaboration flow much more naturally. 

Although we are unique individuals, our lives are part of a dynamic and vibrant larger network.  What each of us does in that network influences many others and vice versa, i.e., we are in this together.

There are many different examples of how we are connected to each other.  They include through economics, interpersonal interactions, workplace, community, family, etc.

We are connected to each other by the common

biology we share. 

One overlooked aspect of being connected to each other is the common biology that we share.  It’s that common physiology that lets doctors and nurses go from one patient to the next to sort through their problems. For example, blood courses through our arteries and veins, is filtered by the kidneys, and is pumped by a heart that every day beats approximately 100,000 times[3].

There are many other systems that, with slight variation, function the same in healthy people, like the regulation of blood sugar, blood pressure, immune responses, etc.  Although we may differ in outward appearance (height, body/facial shape, or skin color), in general, our bodies work the same way.

Beyond the systems that we have in common, we also actively share our biological lives with each other.  Let’s focus on oxygen, one of the most abundant elements on the planet that is absolutely critical for survival.  Inhaled oxygen (O₂) is required to fully use calories and convert that fuel to a source of energy that cells can use (abbreviated “ATP”); carbon dioxide (CO₂) is produced during that process and exhaled.  Life (mammalian) is not possible without oxygen.

Let’s imagine that you and I are hiking a trail in the woods and stop to admire a vista. Much of the oxygen we are inhaling is probably produced by the trees and other plant life.  Yet how did the tree make oxygen?  As other hikers have gone through the forest, powered by sunlight the trees absorb carbon dioxide that the hikers have exhaled and transform that into cellulose (photosynthesis).  O₂ is then released from the CO₂ that the trees have taken up (called the ‘oxygen cycle’).  That is, oxygen is cycling between the hikers and plant life.

We share our biological lives with each other.

Much of the oxygen we breathe is produced by trees, 

other plant life, and even each other! 

This means that the oxygen that I breathe in to keep me alive was used by someone else in the past to help them live.  And it will also be used by someone else in the future.

In fact, as oxygen is cycled but not destroyed and that each person needs around 500 or so liters of oxygen each day[4], multiple authors have speculated on the chance of having inhaled the same oxygen molecules as from Julius Caesar, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Jr., or any other historical figure[5].  The bottom line: all of our lives depend on sharing and that this sharing extends across time.

It also robustly shows how we are critically connected to trees and other plant life. Without plant life, oxygen wouldn’t be produced and carbon dioxide wouldn’t be cleared.  And since about half of the oxygen on Earth comes from phytoplankton in the oceans[6] this means that our oxygen dependent lives are also tied to the ocean.  Phytoplankton, in turn, depend on waste from sea life like whales as well as how the whales stir phytoplankton in the ocean[7].

When something disrupts these cycles, like deforestation or whale hunting, we share in the problems that follow.  And when we protect and nourish them, we honor their significance and are rewarded for it.  What goes around, comes around.  Life is much more about cycles rather than straight lines.

When we disrupt natures cycles, we share in those 

problems with nature. 

When we protect and nourish them, we are rewarded. 

Oxygen is just one of many examples that, by the nature of our shared biology, we are connected to one another.  The same is true for nitrogen (found in protein and fertilizer), water, iron, and a host of other biologically essential factors that cycle.  This gets more complex once we include the interactions with many other insects and animals that are necessary to keep the fabric of our interwoven network healthy and vibrant.

What does this teach us?  It tells us that our lives are more intimately connected than we might ever have thought.  On a first level, it teaches that sharing (kindness and cooperation) is actively required for living beings to survive.

On a second level, we are deeply connected to the sources of replenishing oxygen in a reciprocating, cooperative way.  Without them, we would not survive. And as those systems also make use of carbon dioxide to survive, in turn, we are part of sustaining their lives.  Short-sighted selfishness that overuses or abuses a component of the cycle will come back around to affect us.

When one tugs at a single thing in nature,

you’ll find it attached to the rest of the world. 

But the cycle is fragile; without us doing the right thing to responsibly maintain our part of a mutually nourishing cycle, it can fail.  Doing the right thing honors two principles: being kind to and respecting the roles of other members of the cycle, and being kind to ourselves to sustain our own well being.

The eminent conservationist John Muir[8] wrote: “When one tugs at a single thing in nature, you find it attached to the rest of the world.”  That is, we are all connected.

In kindness,

David (Prof K)

[1] Mind the ancient adage that the “giver benefits more than the receiver.”

[2] See SoK #3 for more on this.  https://www.envisionkindness.org/science-of-kindness/

[3] At 80 beats per minute

[4] Depends on activity and body size; think about more than 500 1 liter bottles of oxygen (not air).

[5] https://www.sciencefocus.com/planet-earth/are-we-really-breathing-caesars-last-breath/

[6] https://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/06/source-of-half-earth-s-oxygen-gets-little-credit/

[7] https://blueocean.net/whale-poop-can-save-world/

[8] And early promoter of our National Park system

SoK #4

In addition to being a physician, I am also a scientist.  Someone who likes to understand how things work and loves doing experiments to ask (and answer) these questions.  In this session, I am going to dive into Envision Kindness’ own research, which focuses on defining how images of kindness affect people.  Short answer?  These images potently inspire large increases in joy, hope, love, gratitude, and compassion, much more than even pretty pictures like puppies in a basket or a beautiful landscape.  My aim for this lesson?  To convince you, the reader, to rebalance your visual diet and include kindness pics in it.  Your sense of joy and connection could change markedly.

I’ve been doing experiments for as long as I can remember.  When I was a kid (maybe 9 years old), I was taking clocks apart to see how they worked (my parents were less than thrilled when I couldn’t put them back together).  Doing experiments allows for discovery—the pursuit of the truth.  Because if we understand the truth, we can better make sense of, and benefit, our world.

After Jesse (my son) and I set out on the road to build Envision Kindness, Jesse was a strong proponent of measuring the response to images of kindness.  We already knew that after looking at pictures of kindness we (and other people) felt good–a warm, relaxed, and uplifted feeling.  We also knew that other scientists–some described in SoK #2—had shown that a few minutes of a video about kindness caused significant changes in people, including how they felt and their willingness to volunteer.  So we decided to measure the response not to a single video, but to several still photographs of acts of kindness and compare them to other types of images.

If we understand the truth, we can better make sense of,

and benefit our world. That’s why my son and I set out to

measure the response to images of kindness. 

I have done a lot of research in people—although it has always been in human metabolism or physiology.  Yet as this was in psychology, with the help of our scientific advisors, we designed a study to ask how people responded to a variety of types of images.

The images we studied included “negative” images—those of violence, destruction, and neglect.  “Neutral” images—hammers, towels, or doorknobs.  “Positive” or pretty images—puppies in a basket, bunnies, flowers, etc.  These three types or classes of images were from a standard set that psychologists have used for years.

The last group was images of kindness.  Examples of these included: a woman in distress on a dark stairwell being comforted by a police officer; a young man with a shaven head looking up from a sea of shaven heads.  This young man was going for chemotherapy and his friends shaved their heads in support.  That image, from Josh Meltzer (one of our photography advisors), is included in the blog.

Before they saw any of the images, every one of the 400 participants completed questionnaires on how they were feeling.  All were feeling pretty happy at the beginning of the study.  Then each was assigned to look at images in one of the groups—so 100 people saw negative images, 100 neutral, etc.  After seeing one type of image, they again completed the questionnaires on how they felt.

The negative images did exactly what they had been shown to do before.  People reported marked increases in sadness, fear, and anxiety and decreases in joy, optimism, gratitude, etc.  It was really impressive how the negative images quickly and dramatically affected people.

The “neutral” images didn’t do much of anything, which made sense.  The “positive” or pretty images—the usual go to images for people who may be sad—like puppies in a basket—did make people feel more happy, more optimistic, or more grateful.  Positive images increased their reports of feeling love or trust.  These responses were consistent with what has been observed before (which is great).

What was really interesting was that the 100 people who saw the images of kindness had about double the increase in joy (happiness), optimism, and gratitude that the 100 people who saw the positive images.  Double the effect on self-reported love and trust.  And a bunch of other emotions and states that were measured.

I have looked at a lot of data in my scientific career.  These results impressed me.  Although not yet published in the peer-reviewed literature, they are consistent with (and expand upon) what had been observed by others.  They said that there was something important in here, even more than what we originally thought.

People who saw images of kindness had about double the

increase in joy, optimism, and gratitude.

The results really impressed me. 

Why would people respond to these kindness images more than pretty pictures?  Particularly because the images weren’t pretty—each had a problem or challenge to meet and someone trying to help but not necessarily would be able to fix their problem.  Maybe because these images touched on real life that people could relate to: they had emotion associated with them rather than just being cute or beautiful.  Or maybe it is because at birth we are already “programmed” or “equipped” to recognize these scenes and respond to them.  Or some combination.   I welcome suggestions from our readers.

Altogether, the results suggest that images like these can help people a lot.  As part of Envision’s work, we are using the images from our large portfolio and combining them into unique presentations to amplify the responses further.  Our goal: to inspire people as much as we can by stirring the inborn quality of kindness and compassion. This, in turn, allows for connection to one another (and ourselves) through our shared humanity.  When people feel connected to others, joy, love, optimism, and compassion flow much more naturally.  From that, as connection, collaboration, and cooperation are all strengthened, more of all of these good things manifest.

Just think of the possibilities.

In kindness,

David (Prof K)

 

 

Prof K and Envision Kindness wish you a kind, peaceful, and happy 2019!

Happy New Year! 

SoK #3

This month’s class is not as originally planned.  We were going to continue the lesson on how images of kindness and compassion markedly increase joy, love, optimism, and sympathy.  Recent events have demanded a change, however.  From horrific shootings to an environment out of control to politics permeated with anger, fear, and division, what we need now is to reconnect with one another.  Reconnection is made possible by embracing kindness and compassion.  Embracing kindness and compassion happens once we realize that it is essential to our state of being and longevity.  And it just feels good.

As there is some needed detail to describe this concept, this class runs longer than our usual sessions.  In case you can’t stay, here’s the “secret sauce” of this blog:  kindness works its magic because it creates or strengthens connections between living beings.  When we truly understand that we are connected to one another, we give more freely, we treat each other with respect, we act with integrity, and we trust one another.  As  the socio-biologic need for kindness and connection is fulfilled, health, happiness, meaning, collaboration, and peace readily flow from there.

When we truly understand that we are connected to each other, we treat each other with respect and act with integrity.

To effectively apply the sauce, it is helpful to understand more about the biology and psychology of social connection. Scientists have known that satisfying the need for quality connections is absolutely critical for both mental and physical health.  In adults, those who are socially isolated (lonely, without quality support group) have a risk of death 26% higher [1] than those who have a quality social network. This is huge [2] and rivals other factors that I would talk to patients about, such as exercise, obesity, and smoking [3].  Put it another way, quality relationships (interpersonal, not social media) convey a huge survival benefit (see Pietromanco and Collins [4]; Holt-Lunstadt [5]; and Reblin and Uchino [6] for excellent reviews).

Heart disease is the major reason that lonelier people die more often [7].  That makes sense as loneliness is a potent psychological stressor and is also associated with higher blood pressure and blood sugar.  People lacking quality social support understandably also have increased anxiety and depression [8].  The problem is huge: the former US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, has talked about the loneliness epidemic in America [9] and the United Kingdom has established governmental effort to address this issue [10].

The need for quality connections is absolutely critical

for both mental and physical health.

The need for connection is also seen in children, in animals, and even in insects [11].  Given how widespread and strong the drive for connection is, the only logical conclusion is that the need to meaningfully connect with other living beings is baked into our biology.  It makes sense—it is so important that nature has provided us with the built-in reminder system, like hunger, thirst, etc.  In fact, the area of the brain that is associated with the experience of social pain or loss is the same as with physical pain [12], which partly explains why emotional loss is painful as well as why isolation in prison is such a powerful punishment.

That we need one another may be an evolutionary adaptation to enhance survival. Evolutionary biologists like Darwin [13] and EO Wilson described that, in contrast to the concept of survival of the fittest (of an individual), members of a group must sacrifice for one another in order for the group to survive.  Examples have been described throughout nature and across species [14], like bats or ants or primates as well as humans.  To sacrifice for, or GIVE to others honors that powerful, inborn drive to promote group survival.

Kindness and sacrifice, therefore, is the “default mode” of how (almost) everyone is born.  When we give to someone else, especially for the sake of simply giving to them, we reconnect with our true nature AND we also send a signal to the recipient (and to ourselves) that we are connected.

Needing one another may be an evolutionary adaptation

to enhance survival. So when we give to someone else,

we honor that inborn drive to promote group survival. 

Beyond spiritual or emotional terms, that signal can be described biologically.  It is an internal signal in our brains coined by Allen Luks as the “helper’s high.”  Scientists know that performing, thinking about, or simply seeing kindness activates the same parts of the brain responsible for reward (pleasure) [15].  It causes changes in brain chemistry, including the release of endorphins (natural opiates in our bodies), dopamine, and serotonin [16].  The latter two are both neuro transmitters associated with feeling good.  It is for these biological reasons that kindness can induce happiness: a natural, internal high or elevation.  No other pharmacology (drugs) needed.

How does kindness cause connection?  On an obvious level, when someone gives of themselves to another person (even a smile or friendly hello), they are saying to that person “I see you—you are important and need to be recognized and/or supported.”  Recognizing another person in a positive way makes the receiver feel valued, establishing a connection.  And because nature has blessed the giver with internal reward mechanisms, the behavior can be reinforced as the giver’s biologic destiny has been momentarily fulfilled.  Once we are enlightened that we are connected to one another in many ways—kindness flows readily.  This becomes a self-perpetuating and virtuous cycle.

Once we are enlightened that we are connected

to one another in many ways—kindness flows readily.

If the biology of kindness and connection is so powerful, why are we experiencing so many of these distressing events?  Why are people in the US (and elsewhere) more anxious, becoming addicted to opiates, and committing suicide more if the economy is good and violence is lower than it ever has been?  The answer to this is complex and multifactorial: one way to frame the problem is that people are more disconnected than ever before.  A major factor is that negative stories and images are very impactful—just like our system is programmed to be kind, we are also programmed to identify threats and respond to them.  These unrelenting negative images, stories, and experiences DISCONNECT us from each other—ego, fear, anger, greed, etc., all make us think that we need to protect ourselves from other people.

The second factor is that while people may appear connected through social media [17], these connections do not replace higher quality interpersonal relationships. In fact, as people spend more time on social media on a visual diet that disconnects us (and induces attention deficit disorder), they spend less time in interpersonal interactions.  And perhaps there is a sense that so many other people are doing different things whereas their own lives appear more at a standstill [18].  When people don’t feel connected to others, there is less kindness, tolerance, and collaboration, which perpetuates itself.  And in extreme cases, violence.  In contrast to the kindness-connection loop, this is a vicious and destructive cycle.

The problem is: people are more disconnected than ever.

And even though we may appear more connected than ever

through social media, these connections do not replace

quality interpersonal relationships.  

So how can we conquer this?  We need to connect more meaningfully with others and show them, even in simple ways, kindness.  For example, in school or at work, are there people who seem more alone or stick to themselves?  Instead of ignoring them or thinking they are anti-social, why not say “hello” and/or smile as we walk by; eat lunch with them, or recognize the good work that they do?  Or call a friend just to say hi and see how they are?  Visit the elderly; volunteer for a worthy cause.  In this frame of thinking we don’t let political or racial divisions rob us of the opportunities to work together.  And if we are connected to each other and to other living beings, we take care of the environment and move rapidly to address climate change.

Christian Picciolini, the former neo-Nazi who helps white supremacists find their way back to mainstream society, bases his approach on that many of the current neo-Nazis simply want compassion and a way to belong.  Every soul, he says, needs identity, community and purpose.  All of these can come through meaningful connection.  His recommendation?  “Find someone who doesn’t deserve your compassion and give it to them because that’s what happened to me.”  His Tedx talk gives an insightful personal view that exemplifies the thesis of this blog [19].

Every soul needs identity, community, and purpose.

Find someone who doesn’t deserve your compassion

and give it to them.

The holidays are almost here and 2019 is just around the corner.  Want to give yourself, your family, your community, and even strangers a significantly better 2019?  You can: try more kindness.  Connect more.  There are lots of ways once we recognize how interconnected we are.  Everything flows from that. 

Thanks for sticking around.

David (Prof K)

 

 

[1] https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/about-loneliness/

[2] A way to think about this:  it’s similar to the impact of clean, sanitary water to drink on health.  If we would insist on clean water, wouldn’t we insist helping people create quality relationships?

[3] https://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20180504/loneliness-rivals-obesity-smoking-as-health-risk

[4] https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/features/amp-amp0000129.pdf

[5]https://www.researchgate.net/publication/320440133_Why_Social_Relationships_Are_Important_for_Physical_Health_A_Systems_Approach_to_Understanding_and_Modifying_Risk_and_Protection

[6] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2729718/

[7] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27091845

[8] https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/features/amp-amp0000129.pdf

[9] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/on-leadership/wp/2017/10/04/this-former-surgeon-general-says-theres-a-loneliness-epidemic-and-work-is-partly-to-blame/?utm_term=.d6e90ed56888&noredirect=on

[10] https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/world/europe/uk-britain-loneliness.html

[11] https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/04/how-people-and-animals-in-isolation-die-sooner/275071/

[12] https://sanlab.psych.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/31/2015/05/Eisenberger2012NRN.pdf

[13] https://www.paulekman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Darwins-Compassionate-View-Of-Human-Nature-2010.pdf

[14] https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/altruism-biological/

[15] https://psychcentral.com/news/2018/09/28/genuine-acts-of-kindness-activate-brains-reward-network/139056.html

[16] https://chopra.com/articles/4-magical-side-effects-of-kindness

[17] https://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20180504/loneliness-rivals-obesity-smoking-as-health-risk

[18] It is of great relevance that loneliness is actually greater in the youngest generation, i.e., those most socially connected.  To learn more about this, check out this important study from Cigna.

[19]https://www.ted.com/talks/christian_picciolini_my_descent_into_america_s_neo_nazi_movement_and_how_i_got_out?language=en#t-93544